


i know it makes you nervous (but i promise you, it’s worth it)

by WritersBlock109



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, Single Mom!Christen, Widow!Tobin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:40:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 24,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22428412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritersBlock109/pseuds/WritersBlock109
Summary: Christen and her 7-year-old son Caleb have just moved into a new house in Portland, and are welcomed by their new neighbors Ashlyn and Ali. Their other neighbor, Tobin, is a little standoffish because she lost her wife 5 years ago. Will they open their hearts to the love that's right next door?
Relationships: Tobin Heath/Christen Press
Comments: 182
Kudos: 956





	1. i was enchanted to meet you (please don’t be in love with somebody else)

**Author's Note:**

> "it's good i promise" - my friend karah 
> 
> dont mention my WIPs (though... go read them for clear skin and good grades ((especially the waitress au, it deserves more respect >:/)) ) 
> 
> i dissociated for like 3 hours and created this entire universe in my brain like two weeks ago and so I just decided to write it 
> 
> this fic will be mostly fluff and hurt/comfort so if u are not a lover of angst u will (prolly) be ok 
> 
> fic title from come out and play by billie eilish
> 
> as always...christen and tobin if you're reading i was hacked

“Baby, we’re gonna be late!” Christen called up the stairs. 

“Coming, mama!” a tiny voice echoed down into the foyer, followed by the patter of feet. 

Christen fiddled with her hoops and looked in the nearest mirror to check her reflection. She had kept it casual but dressy for her first dinner with her new neighbors: a flowy yellow sundress with simple wedges while her hair was half-up, half-down with her curls cascading loosely around her neck. The sound of heavy footsteps descending the stairs made her turn from the mirror and see her son running down the carpeted stairs. 

“Caleb! What did I say about running down the stairs? You could slip and get hurt!” Christen said. 

“Sorry,” said Caleb, without any remorse on his little face. “You look real pretty, mama.” 

“Why thank you, baby. You look very handsome yourself,” she smiled. 

Caleb puffed his chest, emphasizing the logo on his tiny red Thorns jersey, which he had refused to take off since she bought it for him last week. He also wore nice blue jeans (a rare pair without juice or marker stains) and tennis shoes (another rare pair without grass stains or mud caked to the sides). His usually unruly curls were placed into a quasi-semblance of order, but his small rectangular glasses were a little crooked, as per usual. 

“You ready?” Christen asked, adjusting his glasses. 

“Ready!” the 7-year-old affirmed. 

The pair walked through the summer afternoon air before reaching their neighbor’s house. Caleb reached up and pressed the doorbell and they waited. 

The door opened to reveal a gorgeous woman with tan skin and gentle eyes holding a baby. “Hi!” 

“Hey, neighbor! And hello again, little miss Lucy,” Christen cooed at the baby, dressed in a little green dress complete with a pink bow. The pair had come over a few days ago to invite them to dinner. “Say hello to Miss Ali, Caleb.” 

“Hello to Miss Ali,” Caleb repeated, making Ali laugh heartily. Christen rolled her eyes at her son’s antics. 

“Come in, you two. Ashlyn and Jack are out back on the grill.” Ali stepped aside and led them through the house out onto the back patio. A little boy with close-cropped dark hair sat in a chair, playing a video game on his iPad. 

“Jack, get off your iPad and come meet Miss Christen and Caleb!” Ali called to the little boy. 

Caleb’s eyes widened at the sight of another boy around his age, and backed up against his mother’s leg as the boy approached. In contrast, Jack’s look of indifference quickly turned into a big, excited smile when he saw Caleb. 

“I’m Jack,” the little boy stuck out his hand directly to Caleb. “My full name is Jackson, but nobody calls me that, except Mama Ali when I’m in trouble.” 

Ali and Christen turned to each other and laughed at the boy’s comment. Caleb made no move to shake Jack’s hand, seemingly frozen in place. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Jack-not-Jackson,” Christen reached out and took the little boy’s proffered hand. “I’m Christen, and this is Caleb. We’re your new neighbors.” 

“New neighbors, woot woot!” a broad woman wielding barbecue tongs made her presence known and came forward. “I’m Ashlyn.” 

Ashlyn wrapped her in a warm hug which Christen welcomed, and Caleb greeted her without meeting her eyes. Christen caught both Ashlyn and Ali’s eyes and mouthed, “_He’s shy._” 

Ali nodded in understanding while Ashlyn crouched and approached Caleb. “So, you like the Thorns?” 

“Yes!!!” Caleb’s eyes lit up at the mention of his favorite team. 

“He’s been obsessed with them since he found out we were moving here. He watches all their games and all these little videos on his iPad, it’s so cute,” Christen said, ruffling her son’s hair. 

“Well, boy do we have a surprise for you, then. Did you know your other neighbor plays for the Thorns?” Ashlyn spoke in a voice that showed she was good and experienced with interacting with children. 

“Really?” Caleb’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped in surprise. “No way!” 

“Way,” Ashlyn confirmed. 

“Does she know…” his voice lowered, his tone serious. “_Lindsey Horan?_”

“Lindsey is his idol,” Christen explained. “He practices all the time so he can be just like her. Sometimes he even _breaks_ things in the _house_ when he _shouldn’t be playing inside._” They shared a hearty laugh and Caleb blushed. 

“Well, you’ll just have to ask her if she knows Lindsey, won’t you?” Ashlyn answered. “Guess what? You can ask her tonight! She’ll be here in a few minutes.” 

“Really?” Christen turned to Ali in surprise. 

“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind. She’s really sweet, kind of shy and a little standoffish at first, but she’s super kind and genuine. She lost her wife to cancer a few years ago, and she’s kind of lonely, and so we have her over pretty often when she’s at home. She’s great with the kids, and the kids love her,” Ali explained. 

“Oh, the more the merrier, definitely,” Christen assured her. 

“You play soccer?” Jack asked Caleb. Caleb nodded in reply. 

“Me too! You gotta join my team!” Jack said ecstatically. 

“Team?” Christen asked. 

“There’s a local club Jack plays in, a lot of the girls and boys in his class, too. Caleb should join!” Ali said. 

“What do you think, Caleb?” Christen turned to her son. Caleb nodded enthusiastically. 

Jack suddenly set off at a sprint into the house, emerging moments later with a soccer ball. “Wanna play?” 

Caleb turned to Christen for approval and when Christen nodded, the boys set out at a sprint to the backyard. Christen shook her head with a laugh, knowing she would have to rid Caleb’s clothes of mud and grass stains stains later that night. 

“Have a seat, dinner will be ready in a few,” Ali gestured to the patio couches and soon settled down onto the couch, Lucy on her lap. Christen obliged and sat down. 

“So, Christen, you said you were a yoga instructor?” Ali mentioned. 

“Yes! I actually run a studio not too far from here. My sister owned it before me, but she opened a new branch in New York City, so she asked me to take over,” Christen explained. 

“So yoga is the family business?” Ali asked. 

Christen laughed. “Sort of, yeah. My mom raised us doing lots of vedic meditation, lots of yoga. I went to Stanford, double majored in Religion and Urban Studies. I want to go back to school soon, for sure, but I love owning my own studio.” 

“Stanford, huh? You from Cali?” inquired Ali. 

“Los Angeles, born and raised,” answered Christen. Moments later, the doorbell rang.

“That must be Tobin! Here, can you hold Lucy while I get the door?” Ali asked. 

“Of course! Hello there,” Christen held the baby securely against her chest, pressing a kiss to her forehead. 

Ali came back to the patio with a slender, gorgeous woman in tow. Christen felt her throat grow slick at the sight of her, dressed in ripped jeans and a sleeveless white tank top that showed off her defined arms. She adjusted Lucy in her arms and tried her best to mask the effect the woman was having on her. 

“Hi, I’m Christen Press. I’d shake your hand, but my hands are a little full,” Christen said, with a laugh.

The woman nodded, her jaw set, and looked her up and down, making Christen blush. She was suddenly glad she didn’t have to touch her; the butterflies that were in her stomach were powerful enough from sight alone.

“I’m Tob-” the woman started.

“You’re Tobin Heath!” a tiny voice interrupted. They turned to find Caleb standing closeby, his eyes full of awe. 

“Yeah, I am,” Tobin’s face softened, crouching to Caleb’s level. “Nice jersey, kiddo.” 

Caleb turned around and proudly showed the back of his jersey, which bore the name _HORAN_ and the number 9. “I have Lindsey Horan’s jersey! I’m gonna be just like her when I grow up.” __

_ _Tobin smiled. “She’s pretty cool.” _ _

_ _“You _know_ her?” Caleb asked, his jaw dropping. _ _

_ _“She’s one of my best friends in the whole world. I’ve known her for years,” Tobin grinned. _ _

_ _“Could I…” Caleb looked away shyly. _ _

_ _“Meet her? Absolutely. Next time she comes over, I’ll let your mom know,” Tobin looked up and met Christen’s eyes._ _

_ _“Thank you, that’s really kind of you,” Christen found herself mesmerized by Tobin’s hazel eyes, the jade green that rimmed her irises and the warm brown therein. _ _

_ _“Burgers up!” Ashlyn called, and soon they were all sat around the table in the dregs of the late afternoon sun feasting on burgers, chips, and watermelon salad. Caleb began to come out of his shell, talking Tobin’s ear off as well as Jack’s about the Thorns and soccer. Both of them seemed genuinely interested, more than happy to indulge the boy’s adoration of football. Christen felt perfectly at home, and was glad to have found a welcoming new group of friends in her next-door neighbors._ _

_ _“Let me walk you home,” Tobin offered, once dinner was over and the table was cleared. _ _

_ _“Oh, well, if you insist,” Christen called for Caleb, who was busy chatting up a storm with Jack. The two were now attached at the hip, which made Christen’s heart swell. Caleb had always been on the shy side, and she was glad to see him make a friend in an extrovert like Jack. _ _

_ _Tobin, Christen, and Caleb took their leave after many hugs and kisses from the Krieger-Harris family. Once they reached Christen’s front door, Tobin said goodbye to Caleb, promising a soccer playdate soon. Christen let Caleb inside and turned to face Tobin. _ _

_ _“I’m pretty sure Caleb worships you now,” Christen said. _ _

_ _“He’s a good kid,” Tobin replied, matter-of-factly. She didn’t offer anything else, but she stayed on Christen’s front porch, her hands tucked into her pockets. _ _

_ _“It was really nice to meet you, Tobin,” Christen held out her hand. _ _

_ _“Uh...yeah. You too, I guess.” Tobin barely brushed her hand before letting go as if burned. She turned on her heel and strode away. _ _

_ __ _

-=+=-

Tobin shook out her hand from where it had held Christen’s and quickly walked to her house. It was easily identifiable as the biggest one on the block, a massive, 2-story dutch colonial revival house painted a soft blue, complete with a neatly trimmed “fence” of short hedges. It was a lot of space for one person (and one canine), but it was never intended to be so.

_7 years ago_

_“This is it, Toby,” her wife whispered into her ear, once the real estate agent was around the corner. “This is the one.” _

_“Are you sure, Mary?” Tobin looked around at the creaky floors, the slightly stained ceilings, the broken chandelier. “We can afford much better.” _

_“So it’s a bit of a fixer-upper! You know we can breathe new life into this place,” Mary clung to Tobin’s arm, her head perched on Tobin’s shoulder. _

_“I don’t know,” Tobin said, uncertainty plain on her face. _

_“Come on,” Mary tugged on her hand and led her further into the house. “Look how big this place is! We can fill this place full of little ones, maybe even a mopey teenager or two.”_

_A smile crept onto Tobin’s face as she let herself be swept into Mary’s imagination. She had always loved that about Mary: her ability to see the best in everything, and everyone. _

_“Here, in this door, we could have a dog door for our fluffy dog, one of those ‘Welcome!’ doormats to wipe our feet from the snow,” Mary gestured to a door. _

_“I hate fluffy dogs, and cliché welcome doormats,” Tobin wrinkled her nose distastefully. _

_“Okay, but it’s different, because it’s _our_ fluffy dog and _our_ cliché welcome doormat,” Mary said. “I’m telling you, Toby, this is the one. Our home. Our children’s home. I can see us spending the rest of our lives here.” _

_Tobin sighed, knowing this was a battle she wasn’t going to win. Mary had her heart set, and she was loath to deprive her. She pulled Mary by the hips against her and kissed her, deeply. _

_“It’s ours. I love you.”_

Tobin wiped her shoes on the worn welcome mat by the door, taking them off before walking indoors. Mary had never liked tracking dirt into the house. Tobin settled onto the couch before the TV and turned on the evening news. 

She heard steps descending the stairs, and looked up to find blur of moving fluff darting toward her. Tobin braced herself bracing herself for the impact of the full-grown golden labradoodle, which hurtled onto her lap. 

“Hey, Luna Balloona,” she pet Luna’s ears, and her soft belly. 

Luna settled into her lap, despite the fact that she was much too big for it. Soon, the dog was closing her eyes, soothed by Tobin’s petting. Tobin sighed aloud, the noise drowning in the big, empty house where she had lived alone for so long. She found herself looking out the window to Christen’s house, where the lights were still on, indicating she was awake. 

She wondered if maybe...just maybe... Christen was lonely too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment/kudos to let me know what you think!
> 
> chapter title from enchanted by taylor swift


	2. plague my soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the comments on the last chapter...my heart was found full. im so glad y'all are so hype for this fic! it's gonna be a journey. 
> 
> classes started up again :( so updates will be sporadic but i'll try to make them worth your while :)
> 
> sorry this chapter is kinda sad don't worry it will get better i promith

Christen woke up to her bed shaking under her, her eyes gradually opening until a weight collapsed on her chest, waking her up completely. 

“Mama! First day of school! First day of school!” Caleb’s voice was much too chipper for this time of morning. She knew how important this day was to him-he had never really had any friends at his old school, and the other kids either avoided him or teased him. He was excited to start again at a new school. 

It was Caleb’s first day of school, and coincidentally, her first day of work. Channing had left the studio with a fine working staff in the interim while she moved to New York to open up a new studio in the Upper West Side, but Christen was eager to meet her new staff, take the helm, and teach as much as she could. 

Christen was glad to get back to work; moving in, decorating, and doing back-to-school shopping for Caleb, and figuring out the logistics of adjusting to her new life in Portland had kept her absolutely tied up for 2 weeks. One of the best parts of working as a yoga instructor was the opportunity to relax and ground herself on a constant basis-that was literally her job. 

“Have you got your pencil box?” Christen asked anxiously, watching her son eat the last of his honey-nut Cheerios. 

“Yes, mama. You packed it,” Caleb spooned more Cheerios into his mouth. 

“Folders! What about your folders?” Christen moved to check his bright pink Hello-Kitty backpack. He had insisted on it, as well as a pink pencil box and purple folders. 

“I got them, ma! It’s all in there,” Caleb reassured her. 

“Are you sure you don’t need another snack? I can put another granola bar in your lunchbox, in case you get hungry,” Christen said. 

“Ma!” Caleb said, exasperated. 

“I worry! You’re my favorite son, I can’t let you walk into your first day of 2nd grade unprepared,” Christen wiped a dribble of milk from Caleb’s chin before it hit his shirt. 

“I’m your only son,” Caleb said, matter-of-factly. 

“Yes, but you’re still my favorite,” Christen came around the table and began smothering Caleb’s unruly head of curls in kisses. 

“Ma!” Caleb wriggled out of her grasp.

“You’ve got 5 minutes till we’ve got to be out of the door, so you better eat fast! Bus your bowl when you’re done. I’m gonna go brush my teeth,” Christen said, rising to put away her own empty cereal bowl. 

5 minutes and many front-porch first-day-of-school pictures later, Christen and Caleb were en route to the local elementary school. They rolled the windows down and belted the lyrics to an old hip hop song, dancing the whole way. They pulled into the parking lot with the speakers still blaring, startling many a helicopter mom. 

Christen insisted on walking him inside, despite Caleb trying to persuade her against it. She introduced herself to his teacher and surveyed the other children and parents as they sized her and her son up. 

“Alright. Be good. Use that big beautiful brain of yours, and you’ll be fine,” Christen bent and cupped his face, holding fast as he tried to shy away. She brought him close and kissed his head multiple times.

“Ma!” Caleb wriggled out of her grasp, checking around to see if anyone had seen. 

“I love you, Caleb! That’s my beautiful boy! I love you so much! I’ll miss you during the day!” Christen cooed loudly as he walked into class, blowing him kisses as he scurried to get away from her. 

She walked back to her car, her heart full and a little sad that he was growing up so fast. She drove the short distance to her new workplace, playing calming music to mentally prepare her for the day ahead. 

“You must be Christen! It’s so nice to meet you. I’m Becky, I kept things up and running while Chan was gone. I usually take care of a lot of the business side of things, anyway. Here, let me give you the tour, introduce you to some of the instructors,” Becky showed her through the three studios that the location held, and escorted her to an office space in the back. There were two other women leaning against a desk, chatting. 

“Hi! Wow, you have Chan’s eyes,” noticed a tall blonde wearing yoga pants and a tied off tee. 

“Don’t mind her, she’s weird,” a gorgeous brunette with mesmerizing, iridescent blue eyes held out her hand. “I’m Alex, and this is Allie.” 

“It’s so nice to meet you both. I’m Christen. Do you both have morning classes?” Christen asked. 

“Yeah, I have an 8:15, and she has an 8:30, Tuesdays and Thursdays,” Alex confirmed. “A lot of moms come after dropping off their kids at school.” 

“I can relate. I just dropped off my own at his first day of 2nd grade,” Christen smiled at the very thought of her son. 

“Oh yeah! Chan mentioned you had a kid. What’s their name?” Allie asked. 

Christen told them all about Caleb-from how he colicky he was as a baby, to how he wanted all pink for his back-to-school things, to how much he loved the Portland Thorns (and especially Lindsey Horan). Becky perked up at the mention of the PDX-based team. 

“I was meaning to tell you, Christen-we were contacted by Thorns management last week, they want to bring the Thorns here for a session. They’re doing a new initiative that involves more mind-body interactivity, and they’re incorporating yoga. We were wondering if you’d maybe want to teach? You’d have help, of course,” said Becky. 

“Of course! I’ve been wanting to get back into the saddle for a while. I actually have a neighbor who plays for the Thorns. What a coincidence,” Christen chuckled softly, picturing Tobin’s smile in the back of her mind. 

“Oh, who?” asked Alex. “We’re all fans here.” 

“Her name is Tobin Heath. I think she said she plays...forward?” Christen said. 

Alex, Allie, and Becky were silent, matching looks of shock painting their faces. 

“Your neighbor...is Tobin Heath?” Alex said, slowly. 

“Yeah, she’s a little standoffish, but seems nice enough. Caleb thought she was quote-unquote ‘awesome.’ Why, is she really good?” Christen asked. 

“She’s...arguably the most valuable player the Thorns have. She plays for the US Women’s National Team. I think she’s won...two Olympic Golds and two World Cups? Yeah, I’d say she’s pretty good,” Alex struggled to list all of Tobin’s accomplishments, still aghast. 

“Oh wow. I knew she was good, playing professional soccer and all, but I didn’t know she was _that_ good,” Christen said. Even she had heard of the US Women’s National Team’s success on the international level, but she had never been that big of a fan of sports other than her occasional appearance at a Stanford game. 

“I can’t believe your neighbor is Tobin Heath, that’s so crazy,” Allie shook her head. “Is she as hot in real life as she is on TV?” 

Christen’s eyes widened as she blushed deeply. Alex hit Allie on the shoulder. “Um, yeah. She’s pretty attractive, I’d say.” 

“Ugh, I’d let her hit me with a truck, and I’m straight,” Allie said with a mournful sigh. Alex hit her on the shoulder again and Christen laughed deeply. 

“I guess I’ll have to have her over for dinner again sometime and ask if she can do that for you,” Christen said, between laughs. 

“_Again?_ Have you guys had a little date? Was there Netflix-and-chill-ing involved?” Allie wiggled her eyebrows.

Christen’s cheeks flushed and she felt herself growing hot. “Oh no, no, no. Not that I don’t swing that way-I do, but it was just a dinner at our other neighbor’s house. She walked me home and kind of brushed me off, actually.” 

“Walked you home _and_ brushed you off? What a contradiction, how fascinating. Well, I guess I’ll just have to meet her tomorrow,” Allie mentioned. 

“Wait..._tomorrow?_” Christen did a double take. 

“Yeah...about that,” Becky said. “It’s scheduled for tomorrow, but we can totally get someone to cover for you if you’re not ready yet.” 

“No, I’m good! Just taken a little off guard, is all. I’ll be ready. I’ll have a lesson plan by this afternoon,” Christen’s mind was already tittering with possible poses to teach the professional athletes. She was also thinking about the inevitability of seeing a certain forward with long, sandy hair and shapely arms.

“Great! I was thinking about spending the rest of the day walking you through the accounts, schedules, and such that I’ve been managing in Channing’s absence,” Becky said. 

“Boring alert! I’m out,” Alex rose to her feet and made her way out of the room, Allie in tow. “Nice to meet you, Christen.” 

Christen and Becky spent the next few hours pouring over class schedules and account information, as well as the partnerships they were making with several organizations in the area. Christen was initially overwhelmed by the amount of information she was retaining, but soon found herself quite interested in the “behind-the-scenes” of business. 

She was swept away in learning about the business side of the studio so intensely that when she checked the clock, she was nearly late for picking up Caleb. After saying her goodbyes to Becky and the other staff, she sped to her car and smiled when she saw Caleb waiting outside on a metal bench, far from the other children. He sped toward her, opening one of the rear doors and climbing into his booster seat. 

“Hi baby! How was your day?” Christen asked. 

“Fine,” Caleb said.

“Oh? You want to talk about it?” Christen looked in the mirror at her son, who was looking out the window, a stony, faraway look on his face. She knew that look. It was her own means of coping with pain: bottling it up and shutting down. 

Caleb shook his head. 

“Well, did you make any new friends?” Christen probed further, trying to coax answers out of him. 

Caleb shook his head again. He wasn’t letting any emotion on his face. 

“That’s okay, it usually takes time, baby,” Christen decided not to push any further, and let him open up in his own time. 

They went home in silence.

-=+=-

Christen and Alex were stood side by side in the biggest studio, watching and greeting the burly soccer players as they trickled in. Christen was doing her best to push the image of Caleb’s melancholy face in her rearview mirror from the back of her mind.

He had been lethargic in his preparations for getting ready this morning, a distinct difference from the morning before. Caleb wasn’t excited for school, much the same as he had been at his old school in LA. He hadn’t opened up to her about it, so naturally, she was fearing the worst, but she wanted to give the introverted boy time to tell her of his own accord. 

Christen greeted who she recognized to be Lindsey Horan, from the plethora of pictures and videos she had seen on Caleb’s iPad. She made a note to tell him how genuine and beautiful she was in person. More and more Thorns trickled in, and every time, she found herself looking for one in particular. 

5 minutes after the class was scheduled to start, Tobin still hadn’t arrived; Christen elected to begin anyway. She had everyone sit in lotus position, speaking to them to ground them in the moment to the earth. 

The moment was ruined by the abrupt opening of the door, and subsequent shuffling in of the very object of Christen’s thoughts for the last few days. 

Tobin. 

“Christen?” Tobin said loudly. She paused abruptly when she saw her, causing the entire class’ eyes to land on the interaction that was taking place before them. 

“Hey, Tobin,” Christen said, trying to be as nonchalant as possible to retain her air of professionalism. “Take a yoga mat and a seat, there’s space in the back.” 

Tobin froze and made no move to take her place, and Christen felt hot with Tobin’s eyes boring into her. After a few moments, Tobin grabbed the last yoga mat and took her place by AD Franch. 

The class flowed smoothly. Christen had run large classes before, and she and Alex tag teamed flawlessly to help the soccer players hold their position. 

“Back into downward dog,” Christen dictated, and the players followed her. She stood and walked among the rows, weaving in and out of the players, adjusting and correcting their positioning slightly. She finally got to Tobin, who was stretched in all the wrong ways.

“Push your heels into the ground. Hands wider apart, and let your neck hang loose,” Christen instructed. She helped Tobin make all the necessary adjustments, and as a result, her loose workout shirt slid down her body, revealing her muscular, tanned back.

“You should feel the stretch... here,” Christen reached down and around Tobin’s abdomen to find her bare, muscled abs. She felt Tobin’s breath hitch, making her chest shudder. Her abs clenched and her lean body tensed under Christen’s touch. 

“Relax,” Christen didn’t move her hand from Tobin’s abs until she felt the gradual rise and fall of breath. She herself found her chest rising and falling in tandem with Tobin, and realized she had been holding her breath as well. 

They breathed together, connected by touch, for an unprofessional period of time, until Christen realized what she was doing and recoiled, closing her arms in on herself. She walked back down the aisle to the front of the classroom and tried her best to forget the taut definition of Tobin’s muscles. 

(She failed). 

\---

“So...are you gonna explain how you know the hot yoga teacher or…” Lindsey joined Tobin in walking to her car and shoved her shoulder lightly.

“She’s my new neighbor,” Tobin explained. 

“So you’ve met her before then?” Lindsey asked. 

“Once, Ali and Ash invited all of us to dinner,” Tobin knew her best friend on the team and her neighbors-turned-best-friends knew of each other. “Her kid, like, idolizes you. It’s super cute.” 

“She has a kid? Hot mom alert,” Lindsey said. “Also… literally the perfect excuse to see her again? I’ll come over and give her kid a jersey!” 

“What makes you think I want to see her again?” Tobin asked, her hands loosely slung in her pockets. 

“Oh, just the way you were staring at her ass when she demonstrated downward dog,” Lindsey grinned. Tobin scoffed and rolled her eyes. 

“So did everyone, she was doing a demonstration, Linds,” Tobin explained. 

“Okay, but even when she wasn’t demonstrating, you were staring,” Lindsey said. 

“Linds, it’s… I can’t. You know I can’t. It’s just…” Tobin trailed off. 

“It’s been 5 years, Toby. You know just as well as I do that you’re lonely,” Lindsey said, bluntly. 

“I’m not lonely! I’ve got you, and Ali and Ash and the kids, and my family, and my therapist, and a supportive bunch of coworkers,” Tobin protested. 

“That’s not what I meant,” Lindsey and Tobin were stood outside of Tobin’s car. 

“I can’t, Linds. I can’t, it’s too much, too soon,” Tobin grabbed her keys and began to get into the car. “I have to go.” 

“Fine, but think about it,” Lindsey crossed her arms. “I think this could be really good for you. To start dating again.” 

Tobin shook her head in astonishment at her friend’s bold assertions. “Yeah, sure. See you tomorrow, Linds.” 

\---

Tobin lay in bed that night thinking about Lindsey’s words, thinking about Christen’s ass in those yoga pants, and feeling guilt at thinking those thoughts in the bed where she used to hold her wife up until the day she couldn’t hold her anymore. She thought about the way Christen’s hand had felt against her stomach, scorching a print into the flesh there. She thought about the other places she wanted to feel her touch, and again felt guilty. 

Her wife wouldn’t have wanted her to feel guilty. Tobin knew because she’d told her so. But she couldn’t help to feel a tugging in the pit of her stomach, that these thoughts and feelings were just..._wrong. _

_5 years ago_

_Seeing Mary in pain was excruciating. Every day was a blessing and a curse-every day with her in it was another day where Mary was still alive and in her life, and yet every day with her in it was another day where she had to see Mary withering under the chemicals that were bombarding the cancer cells that were set on killing her. _

_She was dying, and they both knew. The doctors had informed them of her chances, and of the prices of treatment, so Tobin forked over thousands for the best doctors and best treatments. _

_The day wasn’t rainy, but the clouds and temperature were heavy and greyed the world at large. Tobin and Mary were watching a movie, crammed close together in the tiny hospital bed. Tobin was nodding off, having fitfully slept in the hospital for a few days. _

_“Tobin,” Mary said, softly. _

_“Hm?” Tobin roused herself. “What do you need, baby?” _

_“After I’m gone-” Mary started. _

_“Don’t talk like that,” Tobin cut her off, anger waking her up fast. _

_“After I’m gone,” Mary said again, her voice strong and clear. “I want you to find love again.” _

_“Stop. Don’t talk like that,” Tobin’s voice quavered. “Stop it.” _

_“No, listen. Look at me,” Mary reached for Tobin’s hand. “You’re 26, Tobin. You’re so young-” _

_“So are you,” Tobin protested. _

_“I love you. So, so much.” Mary said. _

_“I love you too. Always,” Tobin kissed her hand. _

_“I know. But you can love someone else, too. After I’m gone,” Mary whispered, her strong voice cracking. “It’s okay, I promise. I want you to love again.” _

_Tobin shook her head. “No. You’re it for me.” _

_“Tobin, I’m not asking,” Mary said. She was never a forceful person, never one to get worked up, but her voice was deadly serious now. “You _will_ find love again, because you are the most talented, beautiful, gentle soul I’ve ever known. Do you know how much I love you and how important to me it is that you won’t be alone after I’m gone? It hurts enough to leave you. I couldn’t bear to go, knowing you’ll be alone. You can’t be alone. You’re not very good at it, you know.” _

_“Hey,” Tobin mocked offense, blinking through tears. _

_“Promise me, Toby. Promise me.” Mary held out her pinkie. _

_“Fine,” Tobin said, intertwining their pinkies. “I promise I’ll...I’ll try.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment/kudos to let me know what you think!
> 
> chapter title from ginger by BROCKHAMPTON


	3. (the start of) something beautiful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to push through a lot of writer's block for this, but you can't say I didn't warn you (check the username) 
> 
> i'm falling more and more in love with this story and its characters as I write it. i hope you guys are, too :)

“Oh, you’ve _got_ to be kidding me,” Christen was on her porch, pacing as she talked into the phone. She felt her voice getting more heated by the second. “No, no, no-you said... Jessica, you said you were available tonight until midnight…I’ve had these plans made for _months_...Well, I just honestly think ‘date night’ with your boyfriend is a good enough excuse, Jessica… This is absolutely unfair and unprofessional. Expect never to hear from me about future opportunities of babysitting.” 

Christen hung up and slumped into the nearest porch chair to wait for the feelings of anger to subside. She had had plans with Nima since 3 months ago, knowing he would be in town for today only due to a conference in town. 

The majority of her friends she still kept in touch with were friends from her high school in California, including Nima, her high school boyfriend-turned-best friend. He had been a rock for her over the years-even after she realized she liked girls. He was endlessly understanding, and had stuck by her after she became a mother, after she decided to move to Portland. Needless to say, she was excited to see him. This babysitter situation needed to be resolved, as she’d made reservations at a high end restaurant with plans to have a night out filled with wine and fun with her best friend. 

“Hey, uh… is everything okay?” a voice interrupted her thoughts and she turned to find Tobin in her driveway, calling across to her. 

“Yeah, it just looks like I’m going to have to cancel plans because the babysitter canceled on me last minute,” Christen explained. 

Tobin ran her hands through her hair and remembered Lindsey’s words. _This could be really good for you._ She had been alone in that big house with all her pain for so long. She had always wanted kids, and she loved interacting with her little nieces and nephews. Hell, her big house was meant to be filled with little ones. Maybe it wasn’t just Christen that could be good for her. Maybe it was Caleb, too.

“I mean, he could come over to mine and I could watch him for tonight,” Tobin ran her hands through her hair.

“No, no, I couldn’t possibly inconvenience you-” Christen started. 

“No inconvenience at all. He’s a great kid,” Tobin said. “I’m sure Luna would love to meet him.” 

“Luna?” Christen’s heart froze in her chest at the mention of another female in Tobin’s life. She tried not to let her face fall. 

“My dog. He’s not allergic is he?” Tobin said. 

“Oh...um, no. He loves dogs, we have two,” Christen said. 

“Oh, do you need me to take them for tonight? Or let them outside or something?” Tobin asked. 

“No, no, I can do that before I go. Are you absolutely sure that Caleb can come over? I can honestly cancel my plans,” Christen said. 

“I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sure,” Tobin put her hands in her pockets. 

“Okay. I’ll bring him around at 6:30ish?” Christen asked tentatively.

“You know where to find me,” Tobin gave her a lighthearted smile. 

—

Caleb, of course, was overjoyed to learn that he’d be spending the evening with Tobin, and was overjoyed to learn she had a dog for him to play with as well. He peppered her with a million questions about whether he could meet Lindsey, if he could play soccer, if he _really_ needed to do his homework. The latter was answered with a most definitive _of course_. 

Christen dressed up, knowing she was going to a high-end restaurant. Since becoming a parent, the opportunities to truly go all out on a look were few and far between. Her wardrobe consisted of yoga pants and sports bras and casual dresses, for the years of going out on weekends with her sorority sisters wearing a full face of makeup, a tight dress and strappy heels were far behind her. It was nice though, to dress up, even if it was just for Nima. He had seen her first thing in the morning with a disgusting hangover, ugly crying over a girlfriend, and sick with the flu. He had been with her through it all, and had seen her at her worst. Nonetheless, she straightened her hair and shaved- for herself rather than for him. She wore a trendy black jumpsuit with a wide leg and halter neckline, pairing it with a pair of chic black stilettos she hadn’t worn in years. She beat her face, took a picture in the mirror for posterity, and set out to fetch her son. 

“Caleb, are you ready to go?” she called up the stairs to her son. 

“Right here, mama!” Christen whirled around at a voice behind her. 

He was decked out in Thorns gear, a little cap, jersey and even a scarf, in the dead heat of the Portland summer. He had his pink Hello Kitty backpack tight against his shoulders and his kiddie soccer ball in his right hand. His glasses were still crooked on his face. Christen fixed them with a smile and cupped his cheek. 

“Do you have your homework?” Christen asked. 

“Yes, ma,” Caleb drawled out, rolling his eyes. 

“Alright, baby. Let’s go to Tobin’s.” 

Caleb insisted on ringing Tobin’s doorbell, and they waited. When it opened, they were both nearly bowled over by a mass of soft, golden fluff. 

“This is Luna,” Tobin grinned from the doorframe. Luna dashed inside and Caleb ran after her. 

“Caleb! We don’t just...I’m so sorry,” Christen apologized. 

“It’s fine,” Tobin was far from bothered, as she was far more distracted by Christen’s outfit. Tobin’s mouth had gone dry at the sight of her, looking sleek, chic and gorgeous. The heels made Christen a good 5 inches taller than her, a fact that Tobin was shocked to find attractive to her. She had only ever dated girls shorter than her, as a rule, but gazing upon Christen now- she suddenly reconsidered. 

“Make sure he does his homework, before anything. It will only take him half an hour or less but he will try anything to wriggle out of it,” Christen said. 

“Anything else I need to know?” Tobin had to consciously focus on meeting her eyes. 

“He doesn’t have any allergies, and if anything happens, my contact info is in his iPad under ‘Mama ICE.’” Christen said, having consciously put her info there in case of an emergency. “Don’t hesitate to reach out, I’m only about 20 minutes away.” 

“Where are you going?” Tobin asked bluntly. 

“I’m going to dinner with Nima, he’s a good friend of mine. It’s a place called Castagna-Ali recommended it to me, actually.” Christen swept her hair behind her ear. 

“Yeah, I know the place. It’s definitely… romantic,” Tobin’s face was stony and resolute. 

“Um, I guess?” Christen quirked her head, not understanding why it would matter. “Anyway...I better go. I’ll be back no later than 9:30. Oh, and his bedtime is usually just whenever he gets tired, and he usually tuckers out around 9, 9:15ish. There’s a key to my house in his backpack, front pouch. Under the Hello Kitty whiskers.” 

“Sounds good.” Tobin backed a little into her house. She didn’t close the door, and Christen made no move to back away. They stared at each other, a little awkwardly, until Caleb’s giggle of delight was heard followed by a patter of dog paws on hardwood floor. The noise broke the moment and Christen cleared her throat.

“Okay. I’m gonna go,” Christen backed away awkwardly and Tobin stood in the doorway, watching her figure descend into the night. 

Tobin turned around to find Caleb on the ground, scratching Luna’s belly. Both of them were out of breath, and wearing matching smiles. Tobin’s heart swelled at the sight; such unadulterated joy hadn’t been in her house for a long, long time. 

“Hey, listen-your mom says you’ve got some homework to do, but after we can maybe order a pizza and watch a game?” Tobin asked. 

“But I hate homework. And I hate school. I like pizza, but I had it for lunch,” Caleb said, knitting his eyebrows together. 

“Okay, then, what kind of food do you want?” Tobin came and sat cross-legged beside him on the floor. 

“French fries,” Caleb said, his eyes growing wide with excitement. “And nachos, and ice cream, and pancakes, and chicken nuggets!” 

Tobin laughed at his enthusiasm. “If you finish your homework, I’ll see what I can do.” 

Caleb wasted no time opening his little pink backpack and bringing out a stack of thin books. She got up and turned on the TV to the news, settling back into the comfy couch while Caleb took a place beside her, occasionally asking for help or petting Luna, who had settled between them. He was adorable as he worked, his tongue darting between his lips in concentration as his brain processed the multiplication work in his packet. 

Like Christen predicted, he was finished about half an hour later, and Tobin ordered the food while Caleb clicked through the channels until he found an NWSL game. He scrutinized the plays the same way he scrutinized his homework, if not with a sharper eye-he asked her all sorts of questions, and she happily responded. He provided game commentary and pointed out mistakes and good plays. The kid knew his stuff. 

He was a quiet kid, Tobin noticed. Besides soccer, he wasn’t vocal about much, but he was studious and sweet. She was struggling to figure him out because his emotional walls were pretty thick, but mostly...he just reminded her of herself as a kid. He loved the game. 

The sound of the doorbell roused them from their soccer tunnel vision, and Luna followed them to the door where a delivery man held a bag and receipt. They carried the food inside and began to eat on the couch when the doorbell sounded again. 

“_More?_” Caleb’s eyes widened and his mouth fell open, agape. 

“Hey, you asked,” Tobin replied with a shrug and a grin. 

Two more delivery drivers appeared with food soon thereafter with more food. Not half an hour later, both adult and child were splayed out, hands covering their full bellies. Takeout containers were scattered along the coffee table. Tobin dreaded the cleanup effort this would take, but the lazy, euphoric smile that adorned Caleb’s tiny face proved that it was worth it. 

“That...was...awesome!” Caleb said to the room at large. 

“Yeah?” Tobin returned his infectious smile. 

Caleb nodded as vigorously as his sated body would let him. “Can I come over tomorrow? And the day after? And we can play outside then?” 

“You’ll have to ask your mom,” Tobin replied. Just then, Tobin had a thought. “Hey, do you want to play Mariokart?” 

“Heck yeah!”

\---

Caleb began to yawn around their third go round of Rainbow Road, consistently testing her for the coveted first place position. He was competitive, almost as much as she, and his focus was set on his Princess Peach defeating her Toad. Around 9:15, as Christen predicted, he began to peter out. 

Tobin helped him pack his things and walked him home. He showed her to his room, decorated in soft pinks, purples, and eggshell white. She sat with him, on the edge of his twin canopy bed, while he settled in. She was about to take her leave when he stopped her. 

“Tobin?” Caleb said, meekly. 

“Yeah?” 

“Can you tell me a story?” Caleb asked. 

“Sure. Which one?” Tobin looked around the room to find a shelf lined with kiddie books. 

“Just tell me a story from your life,” Caleb said. 

Tobin smiled. “I think I can do that.” 

“I’ve only had one other job, besides being a soccer player,” Tobin began. “I used to mow lawns and keep soccer fields, painting the grass and stuff. I must have been...maybe 13 or 14. I came to work every day during the summer before training, in the morning. I woke up with the birds, and I came to work when the sky was just beginning to become light, when you could smell the dew on the blades of grass and the morning was still. 

“Except it wasn’t. Cause every morning when I got there, there was a girl, about my age, playing all by herself. She would take these insane shots, she would do these tricks-and fail, but she would keep doing them, over and over, until she got them right. Anyway, every day, I would come and she was there, and by the time I got the tractor up and running and on the field, she was gone.

“It must have been a month and a half, until I got up the courage to talk to her. To ask her why she did all that over and over again, when nobody was watching, in the small hours of the morning. I go up to her, all nervous- ‘cause she was cute, you know-and I tell her, ‘Hey.’ And she says, ‘Hi.’ I ask her for her name, and she says her name is Mary, and she’s seen me around every morning. 

“I finally ask her, ‘Why?’ and she says, ‘I want to play on the U.S. Women’s National Team, like Mia Hamm. I gotta practice when no one is looking, so I can be good when people are.’”

“Did she?” Caleb interrupted. He was enraptured. “Play for the National Team?” 

“No,” Tobin said. “Funny enough though, I did, but that wasn’t my goal. I wanted to play and be my best, and push myself every single game to get better.” 

“So what happened to her?” Caleb asked. 

“I married her.” Tobin stated, matter-of-factly. 

“You’re married?”

“Well, she died, a few years ago now,” Tobin explained. 

“I’m sorry,” Caleb reached for her hand and took it in both of his. Tobin smiled at the gentle empathy embodied in such a small frame.

“Don’t be. I’m not. I loved her every second I could, as much as I could, until I couldn’t anymore,” Tobin said. 

They were interrupted by the sound of the door opening downstairs, followed by a soft padding up the stairs. The door opened to reveal Christen, as beautiful as she’d been when she left, but looking rejuvenated and brighter. 

“Hey baby,” Christen tiptoed into the room, barefoot. “How was your night?” 

“So much fun!” Caleb chirped, sitting up slightly to receive the hug that Christen gave him. “I played Princess Peach in Mariokart and we ate chicken nuggets and pancakes and I petted Luna! Can I go over to Tobin’s every day?”

Christen laughed and smiled in Tobin’s direction. “If you finish your homework and Tobin is willing to have you, I don’t see why not.” 

“Yes!” Caleb pumped his fist in victory. “Could Miss Ali bring Jack too?” 

“I can ask,” Christen said, her heart becoming warm at the thought of Caleb enjoying this new place. “I’m glad you had fun, baby. Get some rest, your first day of little league is tomorrow!” 

Caleb yawned, as if on cue. “Goodnight mama. Goodnight, Tobin.” 

“How was your date?” Tobin asked as she followed Christen from Caleb’s room and down the stairs. 

“Oh, it wasn’t a date,” Christen laughed at the preposterous idea. “I mean, me and Nima did date in sophomore year of high school...before I realized I was really only into women.” 

“Oh,” Tobin felt inexplicably relieved at her words. Christen held the door open to show her out, and Tobin followed her out. 

“So how much do I owe you for dinner?” Christen asked. “Do you have Venmo?” 

“Yes, but you don’t need to worry about it. It was my treat, seriously,” Tobin said.

“Tobin, I can’t let you do that,” Christen said. 

“He’s a great kid. It was my pleasure to spend time with him, really. It’s been a long time since there’s been that much laughter and fun in my house,” Tobin said honestly. 

“We’ll have to come over more often, then,” Christen said, the alcohol from tonight’s dinner giving her bolstering her courage. 

“Yeah, I’d...I’d like that,” Tobin said shyly, turning to leave. “Oh, and Christen?” 

“Hm?” 

“You look beautiful tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment/kudos to let me know what you think!!!
> 
> chapter title from this by ed sheeran, which is one of my anthems for this fic


	4. when i look in your eyes, i feel alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the workload at uni has been real! i'm trying as hard as i can to push out these chapters i promise, but i want them done right, cause i'm a little bit of a perfectionist. 
> 
> enjoy!

Tobin was true to her word. For the next few days, Jack and Caleb made the most of the last few glorious days of the fading summer season, playing barefoot in Tobin’s backyard. They spent the afternoons after school (and after homework, per Ali and Christen’s request) playing soccer, MarioKart, and entertaining Luna. 

“They do paint a pretty picture, don’t they?” Ali came up behind Christen where she was sitting in the Krieger-Harris patio. They watched Tobin and Caleb alternate taking shots while Jack, who enjoyed playing goalie, attempted to block them. Ali carried a glass of white wine in either hand and offered one to Christen. 

“They do,” Christen took the glass and they clinked them together. “Thank you, Ali. For being so welcoming. Caleb has never had friends, and to be honest, I haven’t made friends since college.” 

“I am so glad to have you. The last owner of your house... let’s just say he wasn’t the most welcoming of both of his neighbors being lesbian couples,” Ali grimaced at the memory. 

“I’d hate to see the shock on his face when he finds out he sold his house to yet another lesbian,” Christen took a sip of wine. 

“You’re gay? Oh my god, Ashlyn owes me 20 bucks,” Ali fist pumped in victory. 

“You guys had a bet going on my sexuality?” Christen chuckled. 

“Ashlyn said heteroflexible, I said lesbian,” Ali said. 

“Yeah, men are...a no for me,” Christen laughed. “Good friends, nothing more.” 

“So... any special girls catching your eye?” Ali pushed, but Christen knew there was no pressure if she did not wish to share. Ali was welcoming in that way. 

Christen pushed away thoughts of Tobin’s strong jawline, of how good she was with Caleb. “Not really, I’m still kind of settling in. I haven’t been in a relationship in... gosh, years. Well, there were dates, but none went that far.” 

“So there’s nobody? Not even a particularly gorgeous soccer player who conveniently lives right next door?” Ali was far from subtle with her reference to Tobin. 

“Oh, um,” Christen flushed and took a sip of her wine. 

“So you do like her!” Ali grinned and wiggled her eyebrows. 

“No, I mean...I couldn’t, could I? We’re neighbors, and I have to tread so carefully as a single parent, and-” 

“But Caleb loves her, I mean look!” Ali pointed to the pair, who wore matching smiles as Tobin attempted to teach him how to juggle. 

“I don’t- I mean, her wife just passed away, and I couldn’t possibly try to ever... and I mean, I don’t even know if I like her that way,” Christen struggled to form her words into sentences. She knew she was just making up excuses because she kept her heart well guarded. Her walls were built high. Her feelings, especially romantic ones, she close to her chest. 

“I mean are you _seeing_ her? She’s super hot, your son already loves her, and she’s genuinely so kindhearted and warm. Not to mention she’s conveniently rich!? I mean, if I weren’t already married to the love of my life… ” Ali trailed off and took another long sip of her wine. 

“Ali!” Christen gasped in shock, but chuckled in amusement. 

“What? I have eyes! And so do you. Listen, I know Tobin, and I knew Mary, before she passed. She was a good friend, and I miss her dearly. But it’s been nearly 6 years, and Tobin has so much love to give, and she’s so young…I want her to be happy again. She doesn’t show it, but she’s lonely. I just want the best for her, so just...think about it, okay? I won’t push, but just think about it,” Ali set her wine down and lifted her hands as if to physically drop the subject. 

Christen watched as Caleb finally successfully juggled 3 times in a row, and he turned and ran into Tobin’s the circle of extended arms in celebration. She felt a warmth stir deep in her chest, making her breath hitch in her very lungs. 

“Yeah, I think I will.” 

\---

Christen finished her afternoon hangout sesh with Ali with promises of a yoga session soon, feeling fulfilled and happy after spending time with her new friend. They decided to head over to collect their sons from Tobin’s house together. The sun was beginning its descent, and consequently the air cooled in the suburban air.

She paused at the door to Tobin’s house and smiled to herself when she heard the distant, delighted voices of Caleb and Jack playing inside the house. She hated to break up the moment of childhood fun, especially because she knew Caleb wasn’t enjoying school in the slightest. He had come home day after day, defeated and low, and it broke her heart. She couldn’t do anything to protect her baby from the mean kids who picked on him. She felt so helpless, and seeing him happy like he was with Jack and Tobin made her never want to pull him away. 

Christen sighed and rang the doorbell and she and Ali waited until they heard the sound of little feet running toward the entryway. The door opened to reveal their sons, with twin smiles painted across their flushed, breathless faces. Tobin was a few paces behind, wearing a similar smile. 

“Did you have fun?” Ali asked. 

“Toby taught us to juggle!” Caleb said. 

“She said that she’s gonna bring AD Franch one day to teach me how to be a goalie!” Jack gushed excitedly. 

“Did she now?” Ali said.

Christen was silent, gazing at Tobin with a soft smile on her face. She was thinking over Ali’s words, encouraging her to pursue Tobin as more than a friend; she thought about all her reservations, and watched them dissipate into the irises of Tobin’s gentle hazel eyes. 

Ali must have seen, for soon she was ushering the boys out of the house to give them a quick moment alone. 

“Thank you, for taking care of him. He loves spending time with you,” Christen took a tiny step forward. 

“I love spending time with him, too.” Tobin put her hands in her pockets. “Hey, by the way, is everything going okay for him at school? I know how smart he is, but he’s also made some allusions to...” 

“Yeah, I don’t think he’s made any friends here, besides Jack. He won’t open up to me just yet, but I know something’s wrong. To be honest, it’s really been worrying me,” Christen crossed her arms around her abdomen. 

“Well, he has me, and him and Jack are getting really close. You should see them team up against me in MarioKart,” Tobin smiled at the thought of it. 

“Mama, I’m hungry!” Caleb called from the porch next door. 

“I should probably go take care of that,” Christen chuckled at her son’s eager nature. She thought for a second and decided to take a risk. “Hey, do you want to come over for dinner?” 

Tobin’s smile widened. “Yeah, I’d love to.” 

They headed over together, and Caleb was overjoyed to see Tobin walk in behind Christen. 

“Toby! Are you staying for dinner?” Caleb ran up to her. 

“Yeah, kiddo, I am.” Tobin adjusted the crooked glasses on his face. She turned to Christen. “What are we having tonight?” 

“Portobello burgers with polenta fries and three-bean salad,” Christen strode to the kitchen and opened her pantry, where an assortment of aprons hung on the back of the door from a hook. She took her signature black “Dinner Is Coming” Game of Thrones-themed apron off the hook and tied it around her waist. 

She opened the fridge and began withdrawing her ingredients when she heard feet shuffling behind her. She turned to find Tobin and Caleb standing in the kitchen side by side, wearing expectant smiles. Tobin was wearing a black “Hot Stuff Coming Through” apron, tied around her waist twice (which Christen thought was all too appropriate), while Caleb wore his tiny red “Sous Chef Caleb” apron that her father had given him as a gift last year.

“What do you two think you’re doing?” Christen put her hands on her hips. 

“Helping!” Caleb said. 

“What he said,” Tobin nodded. 

“And since when have you wanted to help with dinner?” Christen questioned her son. 

Caleb flushed in embarrassment. “You...look pretty today?” 

“Little twerp,” Christen rolled her eyes while her son tried to flatter his way out of a sticky situation. They smiled together and Christen knew she couldn’t say no to them. She sighed in resignation. “You’re going to make the three bean salad. Get out the kidney beans, black beans, and cannellini beans from the pantry, rinse and drain them, and report back.” 

“Yes ma’am,” Tobin saluted in agreement. Caleb saluted too, mimicking her. 

Christen’s heart swelled watching them tag team in the kitchen, Tobin letting Caleb do the least dangerous parts of can-opening. After they’d finished their responsibilities, Tobin and her traded off responsibilities, communicating easily and well. 

She had forgotten what it was like to not do everything on her own. Tobin swooped in so easily and eased her workload without hesitation, with no agenda. Christen tried to remember the last time she’d felt this sense of ease with another person. 

_Five Years Ago_

_She’d been seeing Lucy for several months. They were both pretty busy people-Christen worked as a meditation specialist at a studio in Manhattan Beach, while Lucy traveled a lot and managed up-and-coming bands. _

_It was easy with Lucy. In a month, they would have been dating officially for a year, seeing each other for longer. Lucy was amazing in bed, to be certain, and she took special pleasure in seeing how worked up she could make Christen while her son was fast asleep in the next room. Suffice it to say that many a pillow was moaned into during late nights they spent exploring each other. _

_A month and a half ago was when Caleb happened. Lucy had made it clear that she wasn’t the biggest fan of children. They were both in their mid-twenties, and she didn’t want to settle into anything, nor did she ever plan to be a parent. Christen couldn’t blame her for that, but Lucy stayed in spite of it all. After they had talked it all through, she had said she supported her no matter what, that she was fine with it. _

_At least, she thought so. The last two weeks, she’d been distant. She was on a week-long trip to Toronto for work, as there was a local up-and-coming band she’d been dying to work with. In the days leading up to the trip, she’d been distant. She didn’t_ really _live with Christen, but she spent several nights a week in Christen’s apartment. In the week and a half leading to the trip, she had spent only two nights there, and had come home late, sneaking into bed and passing out. They hadn’t had sex in a few weeks, which was their preferred form of expression with each other. _

_Christen wasn’t blind to Lucy’s aloofness, but she thought they just needed some space. In the past, Christen would wait a few days, and Lucy would reach out again. They rarely fought-another thing that attracted Christen to her. They simply needed space. _

_Christen’s phone rang, rousing her from sleep. _

_“Lucy? It’s 5AM for you, are you okay?” Christen’s voice was raspy. Even when half-asleep, she was considerate, and remembered Lucy was ahead by 2 hours. _

_“Chrissy, we have to talk,” Lucy’s voice was unsteady. _

_Christen knew this couldn’t end well. She gulped down her anxiety. “Okay. What do you want to talk about?”_

_“I think...maybe...we should take a break.” Lucy’s words rushed out and her voice was shaky. She wasn’t sober. _

_“Are you drunk? High?” Christen questioned. _

_“Yeah, but it’s...it’s still true,” Lucy said. _

_“I’m not ready to be a mom. You have a kid, I’m not ready to be a mom. Not ready to be a mom,” Lucy was clearly not in her right mind. _

_“You said you were fine with it. That you supported me,” Christen winced at her words. “Let’s talk when you’re sober.” _

_“No, let’s do this now. It has to be now,” Lucy’s voice was strained. _

_“You’re not sober, Lucy, you can’t-”_

_“I met someone,” Lucy cut her off. _

_Christen’s breath caught at the top of her throat. _

_“I’m so sorry, Chrissy. I’m so sorry,” Lucy was crying. _

_“Is she-is she there? With you?” Christen asked. _

_Lucy was silent this time. _

_“Don’t answer that,” Christen said, her voice dangerously even. “Let’s talk tomorrow, when you’re sober.” _

_“I’m so sorry, Chris-” _

_Christen had already hung up. _

_She stood and walked to Caleb’s bed, not too far from her own in her tiny L.A. apartment. She knelt by his bed and watched him sleep. Drool dribbled from the corner of his lips and he breathed steadily. Christen combed his curls out of his eyes. He reached for her hand and brought it close. _

_He was so beautiful when he slept. He was so beautiful. She would sacrifice everything in the world for this beautiful, beautiful boy. _

_That included romance. She swore then and there to always, always put his happiness over a secondary need for romantic love. _

_He was enough for her, this beautiful boy. She would hold on to him forever. _

Christen looked over at her son as she spread pesto onto the burger buns, finishing the final touches on the meal. He was setting the table for 3, teaching Tobin where they liked to sit, and where she was and was not allowed to sit. She chose a place opposite Caleb and beside Christen. 

By the end of the meal, Christen was sated, in more ways than one. She had a full stomach and a full heart.

-=+=-

_Ding dong._

A groan rumbled from Christen’s sleep-addled throat and she turned over to gaze at the blurry numbers on her digital alarm clock.

_6:23AM_

She was about to drift back into sleep to the sound of the morning rain when the doorbell sounded again. 

_Ding dong._

Khaleesi chuffed out a bark in response. Groggily, Christen roused herself up and kept her blanket wrapped around her body as she slipped her feet into soft slippers. She shuffled to the front door, followed by her dogs, and opened it just as Tobin reached for the doorbell again. Khaleesi immediately launched herself up on her hind legs and pawed at Tobin’s waist excitedly. 

“Hi, puppy,” Tobin scratched at the dog’s head gently. Morena stayed closer to Christen, hesitant of the stranger. Tobin held out her hand and Morena sniffed at it, and proceeded to lick Tobin’s hand. 

Once the dogs had calmed down, Christen met Tobin’s eyes and became acutely aware that she was wearing a ratty old tank top without a bra, pink pajama pants stained with coffee, and wore a blanket. Her hair was in a bonnet. 

Regardless of her appearance, Tobin was staring right through her, her wide eyes filled with an emotion Christen couldn’t quite pin down. Her hair was tied back in a glistening ponytail and she wore a tank top and running shorts, revealing much of her tan skin, slick with sweat and rain. Her cheeks were flushed and warm from an early-morning run, and her breath was slightly staggered. 

Christen swallowed thickly at the sight. “Do you want to come in?” 

“No, no.” Tobin shook her head, but said nothing more. She kept staring. 

“Is something wrong?” 

Tobin again shook her head. 

The heavy silence between them was filled by the sound of weighty rain pelting at the pavement. 

“Is everything alri-” 

“Do you want to go on a date with me?” Tobin’s voice surged forward and cut her off. The words left her mouth with the rapidity of a runaway train, as if she couldn’t wait to be rid of them. 

Christen blinked as the words hit her square in the face. She was struck by a sudden inability to think, or speak, or function, and she knew it wasn’t just the fact that she hadn’t had coffee yet. 

“Y-yes,” Christen choked out the word, her voice strangled. She cleared her throat. “I’d like that, yes.” 

“Dope.” Relief and bliss spread across Tobin’s countenance in the form of a smile. Christen returned her smile in kind. 

They regarded each other then, smiling at each other, relishing in the newness of each other. Just then, Christen’s phone alarm sounded from the back of the house, interrupting the sweet moment. 

“I should probably…” Christen trailed off and began to back into her house. 

“Yeah, for sure,” Tobin scratched at her temple and turned to walk away. 

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Christen called after her. 

Tobin turned on her heel and Christen smiled. 

“Aren’t you going to ask for my number?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave comment/kudos to let me know what you think! 
> 
> chapter title from blue by beyoncé
> 
> if you're confused about caleb's timeline, do not fret. all will be resolved in good time. 
> 
> you guys have no idea what's in store! its gonna be a rollercoaster but i promise it'll be worth the wait :)


	5. now i've got you in my space (i won't let go of you)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha... hi after 6 months LOL
> 
> i wanted to finish my other fic before continuing this one and it was like pulling teeth but now i am Free so mayhaps... go read it x 
> 
> by the way, kelley won't be in this fic, i cut her out of my other fic, and i'll continue to do so. no apologies xx
> 
> i also realized i named both krashlyn's baby lucy and christen's ex lucy? absolutely not me not being able to come up with names and using my own middle name twice LOL it's okay we'll have a wuthering heights moment anyway enjoy lol
> 
> TW: panic attack in the first few paragraphs

Tobin entered her house and immediately sank down onto the floor. Her heart was pounding in her chest, overwhelming her brain with the loud pulsing thuds. She leaned back against the door and felt her lungs heaving for air that didn’t seem to broach her constricted throat. 

She was suffocating. She was going to die, here, on the floor of her home, because she had lost it after asking for something as simple as a first date. How pathetic. Why couldn’t she hold it together, after all this time? 

Her arms were heavy and numb, and her windpipe wouldn’t open enough to choke down the oxygen she desperately needed. Luna’s bark was distant, an afterthought as she spiraled into terror. 

She remembered the deep belly breathing her therapist had coached her through, that had worked for other panic attacks, and she tried to inflate her lungs, to work over the hyperventilation. 

_”In...two...three...four,”_ the voice counting in her head was familiar. 

Mary. 

_”Hold...one...two,”_ Tobin followed the soft direction of her voice and let it settle her. _“And...out...two...three...four.” _

The voice started to repeat herself, guiding Tobin through another round of breathing. And another. And another. It became a mantra, steady and gentle. 

After a few minutes, Tobin was able to stand, her legs shaky as a newborn colt. She grabbed a soccer ball that was scattered carelessly on the floor and went to the backyard. The familiarity of the ball connecting with her foot settled her, and she felt safe again. 

\---

“How are you doing today, Tobin?” Dr. Ambrose had a practiced impartiality to her that made Tobin feel safe to tell her anything without fear of judgement, but a kindly old demeanor that put Tobin at ease. She was glad to have found her therapist, after countless friends had told her to seek counseling from a professional in the wake of her wife’s passing. 

“I’m okay.” This was how every single appointment began, the same question and the same answer. “How are you?” 

“I’m doing very well, thank you for asking. My granddaughter has recently gotten it in her mind she needs a pet teacup pig. I’ve been looking into breeders in the area.” Another standard response. Dr. Ambrose shared tiny details of her personal life, which helped Tobin connect to her; she traded bits of information for Tobin to exchange her own. It made Tobin feel less like a burden, even if she was paying her a good deal of money for the job. 

“Kids nowadays. My nephew has his heart set on a pony. I don’t think he gets the fact that their backyard isn’t big enough,” Tobin smiled, and the two women shared a chuckle. 

“And how is it today?” Dr. Ambrose gently steered the conversation. 

“An 8, I think.” This was a strategy they developed, to gauge her mental state/pain/stress level 1-10 and take it day by day. It was a check in, of sorts, to practice mindfulness and be in the moment. 

“That’s high. You haven’t been past a 4 in a few months now. You want to tell me what happened?” Dr. Ambrose asked. 

“I keep dreaming about her,” Tobin’s eyes met the carpeted floor. 

“Your wife?” 

“No, Christen.”

“Your neighbor, right? I remember you telling me you met her at the barbecue at Ali and Ashlyn’s house.” Dr. Ambrose recalled. 

“Yeah. She has a son, Caleb. Him and I, and Jack- we’ve been playing a lot, in my yard. They both love football, and the Thorns.”

“Okay,” Dr. Ambrose waited for her to continue. 

“It’s weird. The dreams, like...it’s...they’re weird. In the dream, I’m living a memory I know should be with Mary. In my dream, my brain tells me the eyes I see when she looks at me should be brown. Mary’s are...were brown. We’re slow dancing in the kitchen in our socks, and I pull back to kiss Mary, but it’s not her. It’s Christen, and her eyes are this gorgeous shade of green like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” Tobin rambles. 

“And when you wake up, what do you feel?”

“Really, really guilty.” 

“Why?” 

“Because not only am I dreaming about another woman, I don’t even regret it. I wanted to kiss her. I _want_ to kiss Christen,” Tobin expects the confession to lift a weight off of her shoulders, but the words only make her feel worse.

“It’s completely natural to feel this way when you begin to open yourself up to the option of being involved with someone again,” Dr. Ambrose qualifies her words without a second thought. 

“It feels wrong. It’s like, I know it’s wrong, and I can’t stop thinking about her, and that makes me feel worse.” Tobin shifts uncomfortably on the couch. 

“But that’s a thinking error, like we talked about. Because it isn’t wrong, Tobin. You like someone, and that’s not wrong. It’s not wrong at all,” Dr. Ambrose’s tone was even, and nurturingly soft. 

“Lindsey said the same thing. She said that this could be good for me.” 

“Do you believe her?” 

“I think it scares me the most. That I could be happy with someone else. It doesn’t seem fair, when she’s not here to...when I can’t be happy with her,” Tobin felt her eyes prickle with the beginning of tears. 

“You’re creating a false equivalency, Tobin. You think that your potential love and future with someone else negates the fact that you were happy and in love with Mary. One doesn’t have to replace the other. They’re completely different, and can coexist. They _should_ coexist,” Dr. Ambrose gestured to emphasize her point. “The love you feel for Mary won’t just go away when you choose to love someone else, nor will it ever be replaced. What you had was special and unique. But what you have with Christen...can _also_ be special and unique.” 

Tobin was silent for a spell while the words percolated in her brain. “You’re right.” 

“It’s almost like this is my dayjob,” Dr. Ambrose smiled.

-=+=-

Tobin was a dry texter. Christen noticed as soon as the first text she received from the woman was a simple “Hi” with no punctuation. She didn’t use emojis, with the exception of the very rare “shaka” sign. If Tobin wasn’t exceptionally attractive and brilliant with her son, it might have been a dealbreaker for Christen. She simply did not offer much in the form of digital communication. It was like she was speaking with a robot whose neural net was trained by a teenage skater boy/stoner. Regardless, she had coaxed the very bare details of a date out of Tobin: to dress “comfy” and let Tobin worry about the rest.

Christen found herself and her closet equally puzzled by Tobin’s instructions, or more specifically, by the lack thereof. “Comfy?” Were They hiking? That would require a different outfit than if they were to go to an intimate teahouse or coffee shop, yet both could be “comfy.” They could be having a pajama party, for all she knew. Her meticulously organized Lululemon leggings and Nike sports bras taunted her from the closet. 

The house was too quiet, now that Caleb was over at Ali and Ash’s house. Ali had been all too excited and eager to take him off her hands for the afternoon when she heard that she had a date with Tobin. Caleb had been all too eager to go over to their house to play with Jack, to play soccer and catch up with him. Though they spent most afternoons together, they didn’t spend the days together at school because Jack went to the private school that was a little farther into the city center, and it cost much, much more than they could afford. Her father was willing to pay half the tuition, but she wanted to make her way on her own. She knew Caleb didn’t have any friends at the local school, and it broke her heart knowing that she couldn’t send him to the school where he could potentially be happier because she couldn’t afford to pay 20 thousand a year. 

Christen roused herself from her dreary thoughts and chose a pair of soft, coral-colored, high waisted paper bag shorts with a white rayon boat neck tank top. When paired with a nice pair of white Keds and a small round woven purse, she deemed herself presentable. As if on cue, the doorbell rang as she was finishing straightening her hair. 

Morena and Khaleesi beat her to the door, barking with excitement. Christen felt her very heartbeat pounding in her chest, echoing around her body and filling her with a chill of anxiety. She opened the door to find Tobin standing at her threshold, leaning down to pet the excited dogs that greeted her. 

“Hi,” Tobin said, with an easy smile. 

Christen suddenly couldn’t remember why she’d ever been nervous. She watched as her anxiety melted into the creases of Tobin’s smile. 

“Hey,” Christen replied. 

“You look pretty,” Tobin looked her up and down. 

“Oh, please. I just pulled these out of my closet. I mean, I guess anything looks better than me in my pajamas at 6AM in my bonnet,” Christen said with a giggle. 

“No, you were pretty, then, too,” Tobin’s tone was earnest, but mild. 

Christen was taken off guard and felt her breath hitch in her throat when Tobin levelled her gaze upon her. She didn’t quite know what to say. 

“Shall we?” Tobin filled the silence and opened her stance to let Christen pass. 

“So are you finally going to tell me where we’re going? I’m practically bursting with anticipation,” Christen asked, once Tobin had pulled out of her driveway. 

“Waterfront Park. I thought we might have a picnic,” Tobin said. 

“That actually sounds really nice.” Christen was pleasantly surprised. 

“‘Actually?’ Did you doubt my ability to plan a good date? It’s been a few years, but I’m not that bad,” Tobin chuckled. 

“No, it’s just-it’s been a while, for me, too. I didn’t know what to expect, to be honest,” Christen looked over to her sheepishly, watching her profile as she drove. 

“Do you want to know a secret?” Tobin lowered her voice comically. 

“Hm?” Christen leaned closer. 

“Ash gave me the idea. She said, and I quote, ‘Chicks dig picnics,’” Tobin said, causing Christen to erupt in laughter. 

It was about 20 minutes to the park, but Christen hardly felt the time. Conversation with Tobin was easy. They pulled into a parking spot near the park and Tobin retrieved a large basket from the trunk, along with a soccer ball, giving Christen a wink. 

They set up at a picnic table in the shade of a tree and talked as they made their way through sandwiches, carrots and fruit salad that Tobin had prepared. Despite glaring differences on the surface, they found they had a lot in common: both preferred dogs to cats, nature to indoors, and placed great value on family. They spoke about Caleb, about his crooked glasses and beautiful eyes. 

“You don’t have to answer, and forgive me if this is intrusive-but how exactly…” Tobin began. 

“Did Caleb happen if I’m a lesbian?” Christen took a sip of the sangria that Tobin had brought. 

Tobin nodded. 

“I don’t mind talking about it. He’s...not biologically mine, actually. He’s adopted,” Christen said, rather matter-of-factly. 

“Does he know?” Tobin asked. 

“Not yet. I think he has his suspicions, though. He’s too smart for his own good. The little stinker,” Christen laughed. 

“He picks up on the tricks and tips I teach him so fast,” Tobin said. “He has really good ball-handling skills, and he’s wicked fast. Does he like club soccer?” 

“More than anything. He keeps asking me if you'll come to one of the games. He’s too shy to ask for himself,” Christen searched Tobin’s eyes hopefully. 

“I’d love that.” A warm, happy smile etched its way onto Tobin’s face. “I’d absolutely love that. Let me know when, and I’ll look at my schedule.” 

“Absolutely. I’ll send over the dates later,” Christen matched her smile. 

Tobin reached down suddenly and emerged with a soccer ball in her hands, setting it between her and Christen. 

“No.” Christen said, knowing where the conversation was going. She pushed the ball toward Tobin. 

“Yes,” Tobin replied, pushing the ball toward Christen. 

“No!” Christen said, a playful tone in her voice as she pushed it back. 

“Yes, Christen! It’ll be fun!” Tobin rolled the ball across the table again. 

“I don’t know how to play! I played tennis all throughout high school and into college.” 

“You played tennis? That’s pretty hot,” Tobin said. “It’ll be fun! I might even go easy on you.” 

“I’m not wearing the right shoes!”

“So? Play barefoot. Grass between your toes, ball at your feet? There’s nothing better.” 

Christen relented, kicking off her shoes and stepping onto the grass with Tobin, who was now barefoot as well. Tobin juggled the ball idly as she came closer, suddenly stepping over the ball, flicking it up behind her and bouncing it with force into the ground. It ricocheted far up into the air and Tobin caught it against her foot, stalling it, before chipping it up. The ball landed squarely at Christen’s feet. 

“Showoff,” Christen put her hands on her hips. 

“Just trying to make a good first impression,” Tobin smirked. She rolled her sleeves up, baring her toned arms. She stretched her arms up over her head and her shirt rode up on her torso, revealing her bronzed, defined abs. She knew exactly what she was doing, and the effect she had on Christen. “Is it working?” 

Christen gaped like a fish at the sight of her. _God, she was hot._

“My eyes are up here,” Tobin said, watching Christen watch her. 

“You’re insufferable,” Christen rolled her eyes and laughed.

\--

Christen didn’t remember smiling this much, ever, in her romantic history. Her love life was more or less transactional. There was sex, to be certain, maybe even dates that went alright, but her laughter was always polite. Her sense of humor, and her sense of fun-- left much to be desired.

Tobin brought genuine, throaty laughs to her lips, and butterflies to her stomach. It wasn’t hard to be with her. She was quiet, but funny, and smarter than Christen expected, if she was being honest. They had a lot more in common than she thought. 

Tobin walked her to the door of her house, where they lingered outside awkwardly. Christen had kissed on the first date before-even gone further than that. She didn’t know where she stood with Tobin, but she didn’t want the date to end. 

“Do you want to come in?” Christen asked gingerly. 

Tobin’s expression was unreadable as she fidgeted with her pockets. “I…don’t know if that’s the best idea.” 

“Right,” Christen rushed to unlock the door, trying to get out of the awkward moment. 

“Wait, Chris-” Tobin grabbed her hand and stopped her, holding fast. “I really, really enjoyed this. And I want to do it again. I just...need to take things slow.” 

Tobin stared at the ground between them, slightly embarrassed at her own refusal. Christen lifted Tobin’s chin to look at her in the eyes before leaning in to press a chaste kiss to the hollow space of her cheek. 

“I understand,” Christen reassured her. “And I really, really enjoyed this too.” 

Christen opened her door and stepped inside, turning to face Tobin from the other side of the threshold. “Next time, it’s my turn to make the plans.” 

Tobin smirked and raised her eyebrows at her boldness. “Next time?” 

“Next time,” Christen confirmed with a grin, before closing the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title from latch by sam smith
> 
> leave a comment/kudos pleathe uwu


	6. i'm not usually like this (but i like what you're doing to me)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> omg hey again i cant stop thinking about this au i hope you guys are having as much fun reading it as i am writing it. i dont have a ending in mind yet but there are some very fun twists that i think you guys are gonna love : )

Tobin was quickly becoming the best part of Christen and Caleb’s day. Tobin mostly went to practice in the mornings into the early/mid afternoon, so she was home by the time Caleb was out of his soccer practices or ballet lessons on alternating afternoons. Christen would watch Jack, Caleb and Tobin fool around with a ball in her backyard, or play MarioKart, and eventually, with much coaxing (and puppy eyes from Tobin and Caleb) she, too, would be sucked into their little bubble of playfulness. And after that, Tobin might come over for dinner, and they would stay up talking after she put Caleb to bed. 

Their texts were becoming increasingly flirtatious in nature, as were their conversations. They found out more and more about each other late at night, sitting on Christen’s couch, growing closer physically and emotionally over the next few days. There were moments when a perfect opening for a first kiss presented itself, their faces relatively close, the tension thick in the space between their lips- but neither one ventured to close the gap. _Time,_ Christen reminded herself. _Give it time._

\--

_Bzzt._

Tobin reached over Luna’s fluffy body, sprawled on the couch, and picked up her phone, smiling when she saw the notification was from Christen, who had made the mistake of telling her about her AIM screen name. 

**brownsuganumba9**  
_Are you free on Saturday?_

Tobin flipped through her Google calendar (set up by Thorns Management, of course, as if she would ever dare to be organized herself) and clicked back to her messages. 

**Tobin H.**  
_all yours. why, got any special plans?_

**brownsuganumba9**  
_I’ll pick you up at 6:30. Dress casual._

**Tobin H.**  
_is this next time?_

**brownsuganumba9**  
_This is next time :)_

Saturday couldn’t come fast enough, but Tobin found herself at a bit of a loss. She’d never actually been asked on a date before- not one she’d accepted. She’d refused all of the offers from well-meaning women Ali or Lindsey had pushed her way in the past few years, and she’d done all the asking out with Mary. She’d never actually been picked up from her house, walked to her door, and kissed goodnight; “wined and dined,” as it were.

Tobin found she didn’t mind not having to lead, or make the initial move. She was usually expected to take the reins in the relationship, but Christen seemed more than willing to pull her own weight, and Tobin was quite content to switch off responsibilities. It led to an easier sense of equilibrium in their burgeoning relationship. 

So Tobin was more than happy to not have to do anything but throw on jeans, a hoodie, a backward Supreme snapback, and her Off White J5s while she waited for Christen to arrive. Sure enough, the doorbell sounded at 6:30 on the dot, and Tobin opened the door eagerly to find Christen greeting her with a smile. 

“Hi,” Christen said. 

“Hey,” Tobin said, grinning in return. She followed Christen to her car, a cream-white convertible Volkswagen beetle. “So where are we going, ex-Press shipping?” 

The nicknames were something that was somewhat of a joke between them now, with Tobin creating as many Press-related puns as she could. It usually annoyed Christen, but on Tobin’s lips, it was comforting, and endearing. Anything sounded good on those lips. 

Christen rolled her eyes in fake-annoyance. “A drive-in movie.” She was too excited to leave Tobin in suspense. 

Tobin beamed. “That’s so dope! What movie?”

“Guess.” Christen met Tobin’s eyes, a glint behind them. 

“Hmm… romantic comedy? Drama? Please not a horror movie,” Tobin begged. 

“Why? Do you not like horror movies, scaredy cat?” Christen giggled. 

“Me? No, of course not. I’m not scared of anything,” Tobin puffed out her chest, fronting with fake bravery. 

“Good, cause we’re seeing _The Shining_,” Christen said. 

“We’re _what?_” Tobin’s eyes bulged, her mouth agape. 

Christen let Tobin stew in her fear for a moment, watching her face go from shock to awkward, queasy discomfort at the idea. Christen cracked after a few seconds, letting out a pent-up laugh at Tobin’s horrified reaction. 

“I totally got you!” Christen said, breathlessly laughing. 

“You’re mean! That was totally uncalled for!” Tobin said, cracking a smile at her own expense. 

“You should have seen the look on your face!” Christen said, still cackling. 

“Not cool, Press!” Tobin said, shaking her head. “But actually, though, what are we seeing?” 

“I told you to guess!” Christen said. “I’ll give you a hint- it’s a sports movie.” 

“Hmm…” Tobin said. “Forever Strong.”

Christen shook her head. “No. Close, though.” 

“Remember the Titans? The Blind Side?” 

Christen shook her head again. “Warmer.” 

“The Mighty Ducks?” 

Christen smiled at Tobin’s earnest attempts. “Colder.” 

Tobin’s brow furrowed before caving. “I give up. Tell me.” 

“Friday Night Lights,” Christen watched closely for Tobin’s reaction. 

Tobin grinned. “That’s one of my favorites, Chris. How’d you know?” 

“It’s one of my favorites, too,” Christen replied. “When I heard they were airing it, I knew I wanted to take you.” 

\--

They settled in the backseat of Christen’s beetle with the top down, relishing in the cool air of the evening and the view of the sunset as Coach Gaines made a rousing speech to the team in the movie. They made their way through a shared bag of popcorn, blushing when their hands met in the bag. 

About 15 minutes into the movie, Tobin faked a stretch, extending her arm out, and putting it behind Christen. Christen laughed at the juvenile act. 

“What are we, teenagers at a PG movie? Come here,” Christen said, pulling Tobin closer to her by the fabric of her hoodie. She ensconced herself in the warmth of Tobin’s body, pulling a blanket over them to keep them warm. Resting her head on Tobin’s shoulder, she sighed contentedly. 

It was perfect, then, with their thighs touching, while she rode out the sugar high of ice-cold glass-bottled Coke and Twizzlers. The simple intimacy of watching one of her favorite movies with who was quickly becoming one of her favorite people. A feeling without a name lodged itself in the space just beneath her heart, between her lungs; something almost akin to apprehension. _No,_ she corrected herself. _Not apprehension. Hope._

-=+=-

“Tonight was... pretty dope,” Tobin said, standing on her own doorstep. Christen had walked her home and was, at present, toying with their intertwined fingers.

“I know,” Christen said, cool and confident. “I was thinking…” She trailed off. 

“Hmm?” Tobin hummed, urging her to continue. 

“Caleb has a soccer game tomorrow morning, really early. 9AM. You probably have practice, but-” 

“I’ll be there,” Tobin cut her off. “Text me the address, I’ll be there.” 

“It’ll mean the world to him, Tobs,” Christen said, beaming. 

“Of course, Chris. He is my protégé, after all,” Tobin replied. 

“You know, I kind of like it when you speak French,” Christen said. 

“Kind of?” Tobin questioned, smirking. 

“Okay, you got me. I really like it,” Christen said. 

Christen shuffled just a little closer to Tobin, meeting her gaze silently. Tobin inched closer too, close enough for Christen to hear her slightly uneven, nervous breaths. Tobin stared blatantly at her lips, wetting her own in anticipation. Both of them moved closer, just infinitesimally, leaning in- before Tobin chose instead to rest her forehead against Christen’s, pulling her lips away. 

“Goodnight,” Tobin said breathlessly, hesitating a moment before entering her house abruptly. The door slammed shut, leaving Christen on her doorstep. 

“Goodnight,” Christen said to the closed door. 

\--

“So...how was the date last night?” Ali nudged Christen with her shoulder as they looked out onto the field where Jack and Caleb were warming up for the game, Ashlyn throwing balls at the goal for her son to block. Caleb had had a sleepover with Jack last night, to give Tobin and Christen space to enjoy the night with no worries. 

“Really, really good,” Christen said, a frown etched on her face. 

“Okay…” Ali said. Baby Lucy, despite the mild noise of frenzied children and parents, was fast asleep in her arms. “Why do you look so sad if it went so well?” 

“We almost kissed. It was the absolute perfect moment, like… like something from a movie, and she pulled away, suddenly. Left me right there on her doorstep and slammed the door in my face. It’s like I was emotionally blueballed,” Christen said. 

“You’ve just got to give it-” Ali started. 

“Time. I know, I know. It’s not that I’m trying to pressure her or anything. I like her and the way she is with Caleb, and I don’t really know how she feels about me. It’s just, we’ve been spending all this time together, talking, and I thought she might finally be ready. But it’s okay, I can wait.” 

“She likes you, Chris. She hasn’t dated at all since Mary passed. Me and her other friends all tried to set her up, and she never accepted anyone. Until you. She has her guard up pretty high, but she’ll come around,” Ali reassured her and put a hand on Christen’s knee. “Oh look! Speak of the devil.” 

Sure enough, Tobin was walking toward the bleachers where Christen and Ali sat, dressed casually in charcoal grey joggers and a crewneck sweater. Ali waved her over. 

“‘Morning,” Tobin greeted as she sat a few inches away from Christen. 

“‘Morning,” Christen returned, slightly cold. 

“I brought coffee,” Tobin offered her a steaming cup. “Large drip with almond milk, right?”

“Thanks,” Christen took the coffee, genuine appreciation in her voice, but she still didn’t meet Tobin’s gaze. 

Ali picked up on the awkwardness between the two and led the conversation throughout the beginning of the match into the second half, when Caleb suddenly broke off from the throng of little bodies and started speeding down the field as fast as his little legs could dribble the ball. 

Tobin jumped to her feet in anticipation, Christen close behind. They cheered as he slotted the ball right between the goalie’s legs and uppercut the air in a victorious celebration. It was Tobin’s goal celebration, albeit on a tinier, stockier body. 

“Yes, Caleb!” Tobin yelled at the top of her lungs. She was celebrating harder than he was. “Yes!” 

Christen was cheering too, but she watched Tobin’s genuine reaction from the corner of her eye. The pride and joy she felt for Caleb’s success, both on the field and off. 

“Did you see that nutmeg?” Tobin turned to Christen. “I’m so proud of him. So proud.” 

“He had a good teacher,” Christen said, just audible for Tobin to hear over the sound of Ali and Ashlyn cheering. Tobin looked at her then, really looked at her, for the first time that day. She smiled.

They sat close for the rest of the game, arms and legs pressed up against each other in the chilly morning air. 

\--

“Did you see my goal, mama? I totally megged that kid!” Caleb ran up to her as soon as the final whistle blew, with Caleb and Jack’s team pulling through for the win. 

“Hell yeah you totally did!” Tobin emerged behind Christen and held out her hand for a high five, but Caleb surprised her by running straight into her arms for a hug. 

“Toby! You came!” Caleb said into her shirt. His arms were wrapped tightly around her waist, as if she might slip away at any moment. 

“Nowhere else I’d rather be,” Tobin hugged him back and ruffled his curls. Christen felt that feeling- hope- lodge in her chest again. 

“Are you coming to breakfast with us?” Caleb asked, pulling away. 

Tobin looked over at Christen. “Breakfast?” 

“We usually go get breakfast after the games with Ali and Ash and their kids,” Christen said. “But it’s totally cool if-” 

“I’m down,” Tobin said. “If that’s cool with you.” 

“Yeah,” Christen said. “We’d really like it if you came.” 

After wrangling a large table for 4 adults and 3 children at a busy nearby restaurant, Christen sat next to Tobin while the boys recanted a minute-by-minute analysis of the game. 

Tobin nudged her foot under the table and Christen turned to look at her. She had taken whipped cream from her pancakes and was sporting a dollop on her nose, a stupid grin plastered on her face. 

“Toby, you have cream on your nose!” Caleb said. 

“I do? Where?” Tobin asked, cocking her head. “Here?” She pointed at her forehead. 

“No,” Caleb shook his head vigorously. “Right there!” 

She pointed at her chin and made a show of trying to get it with her tongue, pulling silly faces along the way. Christen rolled her eyes at her antics, suppressing a smile. “Did I get it?” 

“It’s on your nose, Toby!” Jack said. 

“Mama, show her. It’s right there!” Caleb pointed at his own nose repeatedly. 

“Yeah, Chris, show me,” Tobin agreed. 

Christen reached over the space between them and swiped the whipped cream off with the pad of her thumb, bringing it to her own mouth and sucking the sticky-sweet substance slowly against the flat of her tongue. Tobin’s eyes widened at the sight of her thumb pulling against her puckered lips. Christen heard Tobin’s breath catch in her throat and, spurred by her reaction, turned her thumb to suck even harder. Tobin pressed down on her foot, warning her silently. 

“See? It was there the whole time,” Caleb said, interrupting the carnal thoughts both adults were having. 

“Right,” Tobin replied. Her playfulness was gone, replaced with something decidedly less innocent. “Excuse me.” 

She excused herself to the bathroom and Christen smirked to herself with the knowledge of having this sort of power over Tobin. The brittle tension between them was a taut and electric sort, stretched to the breaking point by shared attraction. Christen sipped deeply from her ice water, a futile attempt to quench the thought of the hunger in her dark eyes when Tobin looked at her lips. 

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. Christen peered at the screen under the table. 

**Tobin H.**  
_you’ll be the death of me, christen press._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment/kudos? please? 🥺
> 
> chapter title from nervous by shawn mendes


	7. my valentine in the summer (do love me, do)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg hey! funny story this chapter was absolutely not planned i was kind of filling space to prepare for a scene and then it just? kinda spiraled into this domestic fluff, so i decided to split it into two chapters, which means they'll both be a little shorter. enjoy!

Thursday was Ali and Ashlyn’s date night, so Christen had happily agreed to take the kids off their hands for the evening. Jack and Caleb were loudly commentating their playing of FIFA on the playstation while Christen fiddled with Lucy’s stroller. 

“Come on boys! Do you want ice cream or not?” Christen locked the final piece of the stroller into place and set her hands on her hips. 

“One sec, ma,” Caleb said distractedly, pressing buttons on his controller. “Hey, no fair, Jack!” 

She rolled her eyes and pulled out her phone while she waited for them to finish the game. Christen opened her messages and decided to spontaneously text Tobin when a notification appeared. 

**Tobin H.**  
_are you doing anything rn?_

**brownsuganumba9**  
_I was literally about to ask you the same thing!_  
_The kids are with me. Ali and Ash have date night so we’re gonna walk to get ice cream and probably watch a movie._

**Tobin H.**  
_yum_  
_can i come?_

**brownsuganumba9**  
_Always :)_

**Tobin H.**  
_;)_  
_should i bring luna?_

**brownsuganumba9**  
_Sure!_

**Tobin H.**  
_omw_

Not 2 minutes later, a knock sounded the door. Caleb and Jack turned their heads in unison, their attentions piqued by the sudden intrusion. 

“Come in!” Christen called from the kitchen. She was wrangling a wild Khaleesi, who was refusing to let herself be leashed. Tobin let herself in the front door, Luna in tow. 

“Luna!” cried Caleb and Jack in unison. The FIFA game controllers were dropped immediately in favor of a mad dash to get to the playful dog, who soon was on her belly receiving rubs and scratches from both boys. Khaleesi had also made a beeline for Luna, who was enjoying the attention immensely. 

“Wow, what am I, chopped liver?” Tobin went to stand by Christen in the kitchen. She leaned down to give Lucy a kiss atop her blonde tufts of hair and petted the ever-calm Morena behind her ears. 

“We see you all the time, Toby,” Jack explained, as if the point were obvious. 

“Ouch,” Tobin said. She turned to Christen with a pout on her lips. “What about you? Am I still old news to you?” 

“I don’t think you could ever be old news to me,” Christen replied with a smile. 

\--

Wrangling three dogs and three children (and one Tobin) was difficult, but finally they were able to journey the short distance to a line of shops that included the local creamery. Tobin insisted on paying, and ran inside when Christen tried to protest, leaving her with all 3 dogs and Lucy. 

The boys and Tobin returned with full arms, carrying a kid’s size vanilla for Lucy, twin banana splits for the boys, cotton candy for Tobin, and mint chocolate chip for Christen. 

“How’d you know my favorite flavor?” Christen asked, taking the cone from Tobin. 

“I...may have had some help,” Tobin said, nodding toward Caleb, whose face was already smeared with a mixture of chocolate sauce, caramel, and whipped cream. 

“Maybe I didn’t think this through. Oh god, four children with sugar rushes?” Christen shook her head in despair. 

“Four?” Tobin asked. 

“Caleb, Jack, Lucy, and you, adult child. Who eats cotton candy ice cream at 32 years old?” 

“Hey! Take that back. It’s good, try it.” Tobin shoved her ice cream in Christen’s face. 

“No, absolutely not.” Christen dodged the cone. 

“You know you want to,” Tobin said, edging it closer. 

“No! Stop!” Christen giggled. 

Tobin brought it closer just as Christen failed to dodge, resulting in the ice cream crashing into Christen’s nose. She stood in amused shock as cotton candy ice cream coated her nose and mouth. Caleb and Jack stopped eating and pointed at her, laughing. Even Lucy, who didn’t understand at all what was going on, began to chuckle to feel included. 

Christen eventually joined in the laughter and wiped it off her nose. She licked the sweetness off her fingertip gingerly, bracing herself for disgust, but found that it was actually quite delicious. 

“See? I told you. Delicious,” Tobin said, noticing her reaction. 

“Maybe, but attacking me with your ice cream cone doesn’t help your case against being an adult child,” Christen said, wiping the rest off her face with a napkin. 

“Worth it to put a smile on your face,” Tobin grinned. She dunked her finger into Christen’s ice cream and shoveled a dollop into her mouth and scuttled away before Christen attempted to slap her hand. 

“Tobin Heath, get back here!” Christen called after her, smiling. 

\--

The boys set up a pillow fortress in the den and all five sat on the floor to watch _The Princess and the Frog_, which was Caleb’s favorite movie. He had even donned a tiara for the occasion, and gave a crown to Jack to be his Prince Naveen. 

Lucy sat in Tobin’s lap, wiggly and energetic due to the sugar rush. Christen watched them, how good Tobin was with Lucy, with her son and Jack, and felt a flutter in her stomach. 

When Lucy finally settled back down, Tobin reached across the small space between their legs and wrapped her fingers around Christen’s hand, rubbing her rough thumb against the soft skin she found. Christen turned to look at her and Tobin winked. The footballer nodded over to where the boys were sitting, and Christen followed her gaze to find the boys holding hands, much the same way she and Tobin were. 

Christen and Tobin stifled chuckles at the sight of them, choosing not to make fun of them or berate them for the innocent act. It was simply adorable, watching the little princess and prince, their faces lit up by the TV screen, secretly holding hands. 

After the movie, Caleb and Jack asked to “camp” in the pillow fort, and Christen brought out sleeping bags and put them to sleep. Baby Lucy, sound asleep, was taken back to Ashlyn and Ali’s house, both of whom were home and looked _thoroughly_ happy after having the evening to themselves. 

They walked back to Christen’s place and settled on the couch. Tobin’s arms were splayed out against the back of the couch with Christen’s legs in her lap, comfortable, intimate, domestic. 

“Do you want to come to the home game next Friday?” Tobin said abruptly. 

Christen smiled. “Of course. We’d love to.” She knew the offer included Caleb without needing to ask. 

“Good. He can come down on the field after and meet Lindsey. I’ve already told her about him,” Tobin said. 

“You have?” Christen registered the fact that Tobin had talked to Lindsey about her and Caleb, which made her heart happy since she knew the forward and midfielder were close. 

“Yeah, she thinks, and I quote, ‘he’s got immaculate taste.’” Tobin grinned. “I mean, I kinda think I should be his favorite player but…” 

“If it’s any consolation, you’re my favorite player,” Christen said, reaching up to grab her hand. 

“Well, I should hope so,” Tobin locked their fingers together. 

“You’re also the only player I know,” Christen said. 

“Still your favorite though, so I’ll take it!” 

\--

Tobin was gone for a few days to play a game in Orlando, which Caleb and Christen watched with Ali and Ashlyn and their brood. Christen wished her luck before the game, and congratulated her on the subsequent win (to which Tobin had replied that she was her good luck charm). 

It was strange, spending even a few days without Tobin. Somehow, she had already become part of their routine. Christen was nothing if not a creature of habit, always carefully planning her life. Tobin, messy, disorganized, carefree, spontaneous, thrill-seeking Tobin- should have thrown a wrench in her neat and tidy life, but she didn’t. It was easy, like everything about the footballer. 

Caleb too, was missing the presence of his favorite playmate (other than Jack). On the evening of Tobin’s scheduled arrival, he wanted to stay up to meet her, despite Christen’s insistence that midnight was too late for him to be awake. It turned out, it was, and after a fierce battle against his own sleepiness, Caleb passed out at 11. 

Christen kept serially checking her phone for the message she’d asked Tobin to send when she landed. The flight was supposed to land at 11:15, and it was nearly midnight. Still, no word. She drifted off to sleep, ensconced in a fleece blanket on her couch. 

A sharp rap of knuckles sounded at the door and Christen sat upright, less than alert. She crept to the door, Khaleesi and Morena at her heels, wiping sleep from her eyes. She opened the door to find Tobin holding a greasy paper bag. 

“Hey,” Tobin offered to the drowsy woman. 

“Mmm...hi,” Christen’s voice was low and gravelly with sleep. Khaleesi excitedly poked at Tobin with her nose, to which Tobin responded by giving her a loving scratch on her abdomen. Morena sniffed the greasy bag twice and retreated inside. Christen regarded Tobin. “What time is it?”

“Past one. Sorry I didn’t text. We got stuck on the ground cause of a storm and my phone was dead,” Tobin explained. “But I brought you french fries!” 

Christen invited her inside with a smile. 

\---

“Ma. Wake up. Mama. Ma.” A distant child’s voice sounded from the recesses of her dream and she felt a distinct prodding at her shoulder. “Wake up ma! It’s time to go to school!” 

Christen bolted upright, jutting her head abruptly against a small shoulder. “Ouch,” Caleb said. 

“Caleb?” she said groggily. “Oh my god, what time is it?” 

“7:40.” Tobin materialized on the other side of the couch, peering down at Christen over a bowl of cereal. She shoveled some Honey Nut Cheerios into her mouth casually. “Good morning to you, too.” 

Christen jumped to her feet and immediately went into panic mode. “Okay. I need to feed you, and where are my keys, and I need to get you clothed-” she reached out to touch Caleb’s shoulder and realized he was already in his school uniform. “You’re...not? Pajamas?” 

“Toby helped me pick the green shirt for today. She said it looked cool,” Caleb explained, as if it were painfully obvious. “Can we ride with the top down today?” 

“Sure,” Christen said, still disoriented and mesmerized simultaneously by her son and Tobin. She woke up late, and normally such a mistake would have thrown off her entire morning. She was alone, and had no one to depend on. She _had_ to do it alone. But there, standing in her living room, was Tobin- Tobin, with a trickle of milk at the edge of her mouth that she wiped away with the back of her hand. Tobin, whose warm arms she'd fallen asleep in last night. Christen smiled at the warmth of the memory. She threw her hair into a haphazard bun and the three piled into her convertible with the top rolled down, as promised. 

Tobin put on an old rap song and started whistling along to the melody. Christen watched her in the mirror, her hair whipping wildly in the wind as she bobbed her head to the beat. She bit back a laugh when she realized Caleb was carefully mimicking her movements. 

They pulled up to the school and Tobin turned down the volume. She put her hand on the back of Christen’s seat and turned to face Caleb. “Hey, kid. I’ve got something for you.”

“What is it?” Caleb asked, cocking his head like a puppy. 

Tobin dug around in her pockets for her wallet and pulled out two slightly bent tickets. She showed them to Caleb. “This Friday. Thorns versus Reign. What do you say?” 

“Yes! Yes!” Caleb pumped his fist. “Can we, mama? Please, please, please? Pretty please?” 

Christen grinned at him in the mirror. “Yes, but only if you do all your homework and chores, okay?” 

“Yes!” Caleb said. 

“Get to class, kiddo,” Tobin reached out and adjusted his crooked glasses. Caleb practically skipped away. 

Christen looked over at Tobin, who was waving her goodbye to Caleb. She wanted to kiss her right then and there, in front of the dropoff teachers and busybody parents. She wanted her to know her, to feel her heart beating loud at the soft brush of fingertips. 

Instead, she smiled and softly said, “Thank you, Tobin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep forgetting to say i have a tumblr lol catch me @preathss
> 
> leave a comment/kudos and let me know what u think :) 
> 
> chapter title from summertime magic by childish gambino


	8. i was never good at sports (come on to me, i need more)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of a longer chapter for y'all today : ) everybody say, "FINALLY!"

“Yeah, and then me and Sonny did crack at the top of the Eiffel Tower, but then I found out I was pregnant and it was hers,” Lindsey said.

“Mhm,” Tobin hummed mindlessly, typing on her phone with a smile tugging at her lips at the texts she was receiving from Christen. She wasn’t paying attention to Lindsey in the slightest. “That’s great, Linds.” 

“You are absolutely glued to that thing,” commented Christine Sinclair, already fully dressed. Sinc was always the first one there, and the last to leave, after giving her all every day, practice or game. The very model of a captain. “Happy looks good on you, Toby.” 

Tobin looked up at Sinc. “What?” 

“That smile,” Sinc put her hands on her hips, nodding her chin toward where Tobin, half dressed, was lounging on the locker room floor. 

“What smile?” Tobin asked. 

“Her name is _Christen_,” Sonnett spoke up, a teasing lilt in her voice. “She’s the new _neighbor_.”

“Oh, so everyone knows everything about my private life now?” Tobin shot a searing look at Lindsey, who merely shrugged. 

“Y’all remember Christen, the hot yoga instructor a few weeks back? That’s her,” Sonny grinned. 

“Christen-the-hot-yoga-instructor is your neighbor?” AD Franch chimed in from across the room. “She’s mad fine.” 

“I remember now! She was gorgeous. Good on you Toby,” Sinc crouched to Tobin’s level. 

“Guys,” Tobin didn’t embarrass easy, but she was fiercely private. Heat burned her cheeks, a bit from a flustered blush, but mostly from the dopey smile that stretched out on her face. 

“And here I was worried you would lose those smile lines,” Sinc patted Tobin’s head affectionately. “Happy for you, kid.”

“She’s here tonight,” Tobin mentioned. She meant it to be casual, but the excitement was evident in her voice. “With her son.” 

“Oh yeah! He’s my biggest fan, right?” Lindsey said. 

Tobin pouted. “Don’t remind me. Apparently he made a poster for you. For you! Like, I invited him here!” 

“You can’t blame him for having taste,” Lindsey said. “Tell him to come meet me after and I’ll sign the poster for him.” 

“Will do. Thanks, Linds,” Tobin started typing a text to Christen. 

“Don’t thank me. I just wanna officially meet your hot new boo thang,” Lindsey grinned mischievously. 

“Dude,” Tobin said, swatting at her leg. She smiled to herself, happy that her friends were happy for her, happy that Christen and Caleb were in her life. Happy, happy, happy. She laid back on the ground, remembering a time when she was this happy. 

_7 Years Ago_

_June. A lazy, glorious June. The slow-melting swirl of the summer sun, easy heat, uneven tans on left ring fingers. Sharing showers; sharing a last name. _

_Tobin’s lungs burned as she sprinted down the field. Always faster with a ball at her feet, pushing farther, faster. Three defenders came to block her path and she paused before their beady eyes, vultures planning their swoop. She played to the right, before she stopped abruptly. Playing with them. Taunting them, while she waited for Sinc to slot into just the right position. This was the entertainment, she was the entertainer. They were marionettes balanced just so on her nimble fingers._

_She feigned right and they followed her, as she knew they would, and backheeled the ball where she knew Sinc was waiting. Providence Park roared their approval. Tobin followed her to the box, weaving through sweaty, panting bodies._

_Tobin knew the cross was coming. She waited for Sinc to bait the goalie off her line before she sent the ball up and over a sea of ponytails. Tobin rose to meet it. _

_The beautiful sight of the net being pulled back with the force of the projectile ball was worth the subsequent bruise from a defender’s elbow. A primal cry of victory tore through her and shook the stadium. The fans matched her volume tenfold, thousands screaming their vocal cords hoarse, as she ran from the goal, pointing up at the sky. Her teammates piled on top of her, clapping her on the back and rubbing her head while she gleamed like a shiny penny. _

_The cheers subsided and she scanned the crowd for her wife, dwarfed by a massive sign, on her feet, yelling her lungs out. Tobin pointed at her as she ran back down the field. Mary’s proud smile was sunshine incarnate. _

_Happy, happy, happy. _

\--

The final whistle sounded and the entirety of Providence Park was on their feet, a mass of red bellowing victory cheers. Caleb was jumping up and down, holding his poster high over his little head. Christen watched him fondly. 

They had gone to Michael’s earlier, to get poster supplies, at Caleb’s insistence; as a result, they both came to the game wielding signs- Caleb’s bearing the words “Horan’s #1 Fan” in red and pink glitter pen littered with soccer stickers, while Christen’s simple poster merely read, “We <3 Tobin!” 

“They won! Wooooo!” Caleb shrieked, his voice blending into the thousands of whoops and hollers. 

When the cheers died down, Christen turned to Caleb. “I have a surprise for you.” 

The boy looked up at her. “What is it?” 

“Lindsey Horan wants to meet you.” 

Caleb’s eyes bulged under his thick glasses and his jaw dropped. “Me?” he pointed at himself. 

“Yes, you,” Christen laughed. 

“Now?” 

“Right now, on the field,” Christen confirmed. 

“Let’s go!” Caleb literally tugged her by the hand, leaving her scrambling for her purse as she followed the excited boy. 

Tobin had given her instructions on how to get down to the field, and they made their way throughout various corridors and past several security guards until they reached the field. 

They watched as Horan collected 2 bouquets of roses for her brace that had just edged them over Reign’s 1, to raucous cheers from the stands. Christen spotted Tobin in the throng of players who were cheering their praise for Lindsey. She thought she was well concealed off to the side, waiting her turn, but Tobin’s eyes found her, as they always did, shooting her a discreet, reassuring wink. Her gaze lingered. 

After the ceremony, Tobin made her way over with Lindsey in tow. Caleb was doubly hidden; behind his mother and his giant poster, he stared at the ground intently as the footballers walked toward them. 

“Press-to pasta,” Tobin said, by way of greeting. Christen rolled her eyes. 

“Good game,” Christen sidled forward and winked badly. 

Tobin smiled. “Linds, this is Christen, and her son, Caleb.” 

“It’s so nice to officially meet you!” Lindsey shook her hand. “Sorry I’m so sweaty.”

“No worries! It’s great to officially meet you, too. Tobin speaks so highly of you, and of course, Caleb is your biggest fan-” Christen started. 

“Ma!” Caleb interrupted, his ears and cheeks flushing with embarrassment. The adults shared a chuckle at his abrupt reaction. 

“‘Horan’s #1 fan,’ huh?” Lindsey read the poster aloud and crouched to Caleb’s level. He still didn’t meet her eyes, shifting uncomfortably. Lindsey spoke again, smiling at his starstruck reaction. “I love the glitter. Adds a certain artistic flair.” 

“Oh, it was a whole ordeal. Many glitter pens were harmed in the process,” Christen joked. 

“Very worth the glitter pen massacre, in my opinion,” Lindsey said.

“Caleb,” Christen whispered loudly, getting the boy’s attention. She mimed signing with a pen in the air, knowing the boy desperately wanted her autograph. Caleb nodded, and Christen gestured toward Lindsey, encouraging him to ask the footballer by himself. 

“Can…” Caleb stared at his shoes. “I… haveyourautographplease?” 

The words came out like a runaway freight train and Lindsey struggled to contain a laugh before nodding. “Of course! Anything for my number 1 fan.” 

She signed his poster while Caleb’s hands shook, clutching the poster tight in his sweaty little hands. Lindsey then pulled out a rose from her bouquet and offered it to the boy. “I want you to have this.”

Caleb gaped at the gesture and took the rose in his own hands before raising it to his nose to dramatically smell the rose’s fragrance. He smiled up at Christen. “I feel like a princess, mama.” 

“What do we say, Caleb?” Christen prompted. 

“Thank you, Miss Lindsey,” Caleb said shyly. 

“My pleasure, _Princess_ Caleb,” Lindsey giggled, a high hum in the back of her throat. 

\--

Caleb was chattering a million miles an hour throughout the drive home. It took a warm bath and 3 chapters of _The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe_ before Caleb finally drifted off to sleep. Christen crept back down the stairs just in time to hear the telltale roll of a Tesla into the driveway next door. 

Christen went outside just as Tobin reached the porch stairs. Tobin walked directly into her arms wordlessly, and Christen felt her body slump slightly against her form. 

“Hey,” Christen murmured into her ear. 

“Hmm,” Tobin hummed back. 

“Good job today,” Christen released her and they sat side by side on the porch steps. 

“I know,” Tobin said. It was straightforward, without an effort of cockiness. 

“Humble much?” Christen smiled as Tobin leaned her weight back against her. “Thank you, by the way. For what you did for Caleb.” 

“He got so nervous,” Tobin chuckled. She reached out and slid her fingers down Christen’s arm, covering her hand with her own and interlocking their splayed fingers. Her voice was cool when she spoke again. “You’re free tomorrow night.” 

“Am I, now?” Christen said, taken aback by Tobin’s confident tone. “How are you so sure?” 

“I called your work earlier. A woman named Becky was more than happy to give me your schedule when she heard I was trying to surprise you,” Tobin said. “For next time.” 

“It’s next time already?” Christen asked, surprised. 

“Have you changed your mind?” Tobin turned to look her in the eyes. 

Two headlights emerged around the bend of the quiet street, dull and orange with age. The sound of the tires shuffling against asphalt alone broached the lull of suburban idyll. Tobin’s question hung in the air. 

“No,” Christen said, a half-whisper. “I haven’t.”

-=+=-

Tobin stood on Christen’s doormat a minute early. The laidback footballer was serially 10 minutes late at best, but she was coming to know that Christen was serially 5 to 10 minutes early. It was easy enough to shift her habit when the incentive was extra time with a gorgeous, green eyed beauty. Tobin didn’t want to waste a second; she knew firsthand that time was precious- that every moment, every glance should be valued. This time, she would do things differently.

After a few short taps at the door, the simple blue door was pulled open, revealing a smiling Christen in a simple black tee tucked into distressed jeans. Tobin studied her a moment, then frowned. 

“You’re not dressed properly, Lionel Pressi,” Tobin said, her hands behind her back. 

Christen looked in confusion down at herself, then at Tobin, who was wearing jeans and a plain white t-shirt as well, with a Trail Blazers snapback settled over her loose chestnut hair. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?” 

“You’re missing this,” Tobin took her hands out from behind her back and dangled the article in Christen. 

Christen eyes it curiously and let the garment unfold and hang from her fingertips. A brand new Trail Blazers jersey, emblazoned with PRESS 23 on the back. 

”Why 23?” Christen asked, curious. 

Tobin pointed at the rustic silver address plaque beside the door. “Your address. 23 Snowberry Lane.” 

Christen shrugged. “I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a factor in choosing this house. It was down to a few in the area, and 23 is my favorite number. Kismet, I guess.” 

“Well, I can certainly tell you that the owner of 17 Snowberry Lane thinks you made the right choice,” Tobin said. 

Christen eyed her with a smile. “I think I just might have.” 

—

The surprise date was a Trail Blazers game at a tightly-packed Moda Center. From the tip-off, the Denver Nuggets made it clear that the game was going to be a close contest. 

Christen was competitive, to be sure, but she had nothing on Tobin’s brand of overt, blatant hunger for nothing less than victory- even when she wasn’t the athlete competing. She spent more time watching Tobin raise her arms and frustratedly comment whenever a ref made a call she disagreed with than viewing the game itself.

Watching Tobin’s sharp jaw go slack to yell, popped veins and expletives crawling from her tanned throat, Christen _wanted_. She wanted to watch Tobin, with all that anger, raw and terse, basking in her feral glory. She wanted to feel the scrape of her angry teeth against her dainty collarbones; she wanted her unrestrained, a runaway freight train barreling toward her. She wanted her impact. Struck to earth, letting her roll rampant over her body.

It wasn’t out of a sense of wanting to be controlled; Christen wasn’t a masochist. She didn’t crave pain. But in that moment, seeing Tobin’s eyebrows slant angrily downward while her temper flared, she would have done anything she wanted. She would have enjoyed it. 

The buzzer sounded, bringing Christen from her carnal thoughts. The jumbotron held the score for the first quarter and the players retreated to their benches. 

“Alrighty folks, cozy up to your partner and get ready for some smooching, cause it’s time for the… kiss cam!” a male announcer voice bellowed out into the arena. 

Christen watched the jumbotron while Tobin scrolled idly through her phone. She smiled at a sweet elderly couple sharing a peck, but her smile vanished the moment she saw her own face peering back at her on the screen, slightly delayed by a lag. 

She was in the Kiss Cam frame with the man next to her, who she hadn’t given a moment’s notice to before the exact moment she saw him beside her in the frame. He was handsome enough, all olive skin and dark hair with defined muscles tugging at a tight shirt. She was sure many would be delighted at the chance to share even a chaste kiss with him, but Christen felt her heart dropping ever lower into her stomach as the screen scrutinized her. She made a gesture of saying no to the camera, shaking her finger with a forced smile, which only served to bolster the crowd’s optimism with cheers and shouts. 

He turned to her with a shrug and an easygoing smile. “What do you say? Should we give the people what they want?” 

Christen felt Tobin prickle beside her. “I…” she began to reply, weakly. 

“Christen.” Tobin’s voice, a harsh, brusque whisper against the crowd’s jaunty cheers. 

Christen turned around and Tobin’s lips were on hers in a heartbeat. The crowd was screaming their approval as the camera panned to the two of them, but Christen couldn’t care less. There were over 15 thousand people in the arena, but she was alone. 

It wasn’t a long kiss, but it was far from chaste. Tobin’s rough lips captured hers, pulling her forward with the force of it. Their eager mouths awkwardly crashed together and Christen was thrown off balance. She delighted in the feeling of it. Christen’s nose crashed into Tobin’s cheek; clumsy, greedy, hungry, needy. There was a spark on her lips, and Tobin stoked it to a wildfire. 

When they broke apart, they looked shyly up at the jumbotron with matching blushes. The kiss cam moved on, and the moment was over. 

Fire still burned at her lips, at the space where their forearms touched on the armrest. 

“Good?” Tobin asked. Christen knew she was checking in to see if she was alright, but she turned back with a twinkle in her eyes. 

“Amazing,” she replied. 

—

They didn’t talk about the kiss until they were back on Christen’s doorstep. Tobin stepped closer. Christen gazed at her lips. She hadn’t stopped thinking about how it felt to be kissed by her.

“So…” Tobin started. 

“So…” Christen repeated. There was a brief, stilted silence before Christen spoke again. “I want you to kiss me again, if I hadn’t made that clear.” 

Tobin grinned. “Yes, ma’am.” 

She reached out and placed her palm on the back of Christen’s jaw, lithe fingers splayed out against the side of her neck. Tobin ran her thumb along the underside of Christen’s jaw idly, tracing the angles of her face. Christen closed her eyes and stood there, before her. Tobin could do whatever she wanted. Christen wanted her to. 

Tobin’s lips were milder this time, not rushed and insatiable like before. Tobin took the time to kiss her, truly kiss her, without devouring her whole. Christen reached out for her waist to bring her closer and Tobin tilted her head up, a stray kiss landing at the side of her mouth as she trailed her mouth down Christen’s throat. 

Tobin stilled, her breath slightly labored. “If I don’t stop now, I won’t be able to,” Tobin muttered, pressing her forehead against Christen’s. The comment wasn’t flirtatious, or laced with anything other than honesty. She wouldn’t be able to stop herself if they went any further, and Christen nodded her assent. 

“Goodnight,” Christen whispered, stealing another kiss before slipping inside. 

Tobin touched her lips and felt very cold suddenly, with the sudden absence of Christen’s body pressed against hers. She breathed in the night air and felt a breeze upon her cheek and wanted to scream out in joy. She was happy. Happy, happy, happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its my birthday! everybody say happy birthday writersblock! give me a gift and leave a comment/kudos? 🥺
> 
> chapter title from sports by beach bunny
> 
> come talk me on tumblr @preathss


	9. and then some

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its a tough time politically and generally, so here's a little treat to brighten your day : )

_Heyyy yeah, I wanna shoop baby! Shoop, shoop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop ba-doop ba-doop!_

Christen’s hip-hop ringtone loudly disrupted the still quietude of the morning, rousing the woman from her slumber. She reached out for the device on her nightstand, unsuccessfully attempting to grasp it a few times before finally gripping her fingers around it. 

“Hello?” she answered, her voice thick with sleep. 

“Chris, did you check your texts?” Tyler’s voice was urgent. 

“No, why? It’s…” she pulled her phone back to check the time. “7AM, Ty. I’m not supposed to be up for another fifteen.” 

“You’re in the tabloids, Mo,” Tyler said. “You didn’t even tell me you were dating again, bitch! You’re my sister and you’ve been holding out on me? And with a member of the US women’s national team?” 

Embarrassment flushed her cheeks, waking Christen up fast. “How-how did you-” 

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe you two macking on each other in public was kind of a dead giveaway,” Tyler said. “A basketball game? You couldn’t even wait to get behind closed doors?” 

Last night came rushing back to Christen- the basketball game, earnestly forgotten. Her own eager lips and Tobin’s bold tongue. _God,_ that tongue…

“Chris?” Tyler prompted. 

“Hm?” 

“Did you hear anything I just said? You’re on People Magazine’s official Twitter sticking your tongue down someone’s throat,” Tyler said. 

“Ew, Ty, don’t say it like that,” Christen said. “Her name is Tobin, and she’s my neighbor.” 

“And since when have you just decided to leave your favorite sister out of the loop?” 

Christen rolled her eyes. “Both of you are my favorite sister, dumbass. And we’re just...taking it slow.” 

“No offense, but I don’t think your lips got the memo. Nothing slow about this,” Tyler said. A text from her popped up not 2 seconds later: a frame from the kiss cam showing… well, showing them taking it very fast, to say the least. 

“You guys trended on Twitter, according to Nicolas,” Tyler said, referring to their much younger, Gen Z cousin. 

Christen rolled her eyes. “Wow, must not be a lot going on in the Twitter-sphere, then.” 

“So…?” Tyler trailed off, wanting her sister to chime in. 

“So what, Ty?” 

“So are you going to _tell_ me about it?” 

“About what?” Christen feigned ignorance. 

“About her. About you. You haven’t dated in years, Chris! This is big for you!” Tyler exclaimed. 

“Yeah, I mean...I don’t know. We’re feeling things out right now, I guess,” Christen said truthfully. 

“Well, yeah, that much is clear,” Tyler teased. 

Christen blushed. “Shut up.” She paused before continuing. “I like her, and Caleb likes her, too, which is obviously what’s most important to me. He comes first.” 

“Mhm,” Tyler affirmed. “How’s he doing at the new school?” 

Christen sighed deeply in response. 

“That well, huh?” Tyler said. “Is it the boys again? God, kids can be so mean.” 

“He’s not talking to me about it. He’s so happy when he’s here though. With Tobin, and Jack, the little boy from next door. The three of them are like peas in a pod, with all their soccer talk and video games and whatnot. But he hates school. He _dreads_ school. I just feel so helpless, like I’m a bad mom. Not only am I sending him to a school he hates, but I’m also dating again, which is more change for him to deal with. He’s 7 years old, for crying out loud! God, I’m so selfish,” Christen laughed humorlessly as tears involuntarily sprung to her eyes. 

“Okay, so we’re gonna stop this spiral right there. You’re not a bad mom, Chris. You’re a _great_ mom. The fact that you worry about him so much, more than yourself- that proves it. And by the sounds of it, Tobin is making you both so happy. So let her in,” Tyler soothed her worries, knowing her and her fears inside and out like only a sister could.

“She does. She makes him really happy,” Christen echoed. 

“And you?” Tyler prompted. 

“She makes me really, really happy, Ty. The happiest I’ve been in a long time. Since…” Christen whispered. 

“I know,” Tyler read her mind. “I know. I can hear it in your voice.” 

The alarm sounded loudly on her phone, reminding her of the time. Another day of being a mom. “Duty calls,” Christen chuckled into the phone. 

“Go get the day, mama bear,” Tyler said. “And, Mo?” 

“Yeah?” 

“I’m proud of you.”

-=+=-

Tobin woke up to 12 missed calls and 3 voicemails from her agent. Forgoing the process of listening to the voicemails, she called Deja back immediately. Her agent picked up on the second ring.

“Tobin, I swear to God you’re trying to kill me,” Deja’s normally even voice was fraught with urgency. 

“What’s up, Dej? What happened?” Tobin asked. 

“Did you completely miss the fact that you came out to the world last night by snogging someone on a kiss cam at a Trail Blazers game? I have plenty of articles and pictures to jog your memory, Tobs,” Deja chastised her, but there wasn’t malice in her voice, not really. 

“Yeah…” Tobin murmured. “Maybe I didn’t think that one all the way through.” 

“You think?” Deja sighed. “The response has been really positive though. You trended on Twitter. Instagram’s been supportive too.” 

Tobin sighed. “I hate being in the spotlight like this.” 

“I know,” Deja said. “I know you do. But right now, we’ve just gotta ride it out. Do you want to make a statement? The press is already asking us for comment.”

“It’s not their business,” Tobin said. She never liked to be in the limelight. She kept Mary out of it, their marriage and her passing. She would have been happy if no one ever knew her name, much less the details of her intimate relationships. Tobin never let the press anywhere near her family, or her loved ones. God, what had she been thinking? 

Tobin rubbed at her temples idly. The beginnings of a headache began to prickle at the sides of her mind. “I guess I just wasn’t thinking.” 

“No comment, then,” Deja said. “Thorns might start asking for you to do Pride stuff, but I don’t see anything else coming out of this. The fans still love you. Even more now, actually, that you’re, yknow, living your ‘authentic life’ or whatever.” 

“I was never not living my authentic life. I just chose to keep it out of the media,” Tobin said. “I plan to continue to do so.” 

“Good,” Deja nodded on the other end of the line. “As your agent, I wish you’d let me capitalize on this, but… as your friend? I’m just happy for you, Toby.” 

Tobin chuckled. “Is that all, then?” 

“Yeah.” Deja said, with finality. “And, Tobin?”

“Yeah?”

“She’s gorgeous, by the way. Good on you.”

\--

Her swell mood didn’t last when she read a tabloid gossip article someone in Thorns management had sent her. She wasn’t the biggest fan of press in general, and she had learned a long time ago not to Google herself. Whether she liked it or not, she had made a name for herself, and as a public figure, people surmised their own opinions of her-positive and negative. They were also intrusive, as she found, scrolling through the article. 

_New couple alert?!?_

_That’s what soccer fans worldwide are asking themselves after double-World Cup champ and Olympic gold medalist Tobin Heath was spotted displaying some _heavy_ PDA with a mystery girl on a kiss cam at last night’s Trail Blazers game. _

_The soccer star has been notoriously quiet about her private life, previously being linked to teammate Alex Morgan (they even lived together!), but the wedding ring on her finger has effectively stopped all speculation. Fans were quick to note that Heath’s mystery girl wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, but TMZ has reported that the World Cup champ was previously married to her childhood sweetheart, Mary Clayton (aww!). Reports also say Clayton passed not too long ago, so...was Heath too quick to move on? Tell us what you think in the comments below or tweet us with the hashtag…_

Tobin’s jaw clenched. How _dare_ they. How _dare_ they try to insinuate...try to stick their nose...bringing up _Mary,_ when she’d been so careful… 

She white knuckled the waiting room chair, veins straining in her hands as her fingers bore grooves into the soft material. 

“Tobin?” Dr. Ambrose said, bringing her back from a million miles away. “Why don’t you come in?” 

Tobin didn’t speak as she settled back into the worn leather of Dr. Ambrose’s couch. She didn’t look Dr. Ambrose in the eye as the woman settled into her matching armchair, a knit blanket tossed on the back to make it more homey. 

“Why don’t we just jump in today? You seem preoccupied,” Dr. Ambrose spoke gingerly. 

Tobin stared out of the window at the city skyline silently. The weather wasn’t completely clear, but the view was comforting regardless. She was home, she was safe. But she was so, so angry. 

“I...uh…” Tobin instinctively reached for her left ring finger to fidget with her wedding ring. “I kissed Christen.” 

Dr. Ambrose kept her expression neutral and didn’t skip a beat before asking, “And how was that?” 

Tobin grit her teeth and shook her head. “Good. Like, really good. It’s just…” She trailed off. 

“Just what?” Dr. Ambrose prompted gently. 

“I fucked up.” Tobin braced her hands against her forehead. “It was-” she laughed humorlessly “on a fucking kiss cam, of all things. At the Trail Blazers game last night.” 

“Ah,” Dr. Ambrose nodded her understanding. She was well aware of Tobin’s contempt for the media, of how private she was. “The media got a hold of it.” 

Tobin nodded weakly. “I don’t want her in this mess. They’re dragging up Mary, for Pete’s fucking sake. They can say what they want about me, but I don’t want her, or Caleb, anywhere near the media. They’re...they’re fucking parasites.” She sighed. “I just-I wasn’t thinking.” 

“For better or worse, Tobin, you are a public figure,” Dr. Ambrose stated. “You’ve achieved a level of success that comes with being in the media. That doesn’t mean the media gets to control you or interfere with your private life.”

She paused and took stock of Tobin before continuing. “They have a right to Tobin Heath, double Olympic gold medalist and world cup winner. They have no right to Tobin Heath, the snapback-wearing daughter, the loyal wife, who enjoys good food, Harry Potter, and terrible puns.” 

Tobin laughed. “Not you too, Doc. Christen’s already on my case for all the puns I make about her last name, though I know she finds them funny.” 

“She makes you happy,” Dr. Ambrose said, factually. “And it’s sweet of you, to be so protective of her, but she’s a grown woman. A mother. She knows her mind, knows what’s best for herself and her son. It’s also on her, so to say, to tell you her limits and what she can and can’t handle.” 

“Christen definitely is a woman who knows what she wants,” Tobin shook her head and laughed. “When we got home last night, she comes really close, and says, ‘I want you to kiss me again, if I hadn’t made that clear.’ Like, who says that?” 

The psychologist smiled. “Always good to be clear with communication.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin said. “It just makes me so mad, when tabloids drag her or Mary into this. I feel like...like I’m failing both of them, and Christen is going to hate me for this. I don’t know why.” 

“That’s understandable, but it’s another thinking error. You don’t know how Christen feels, and you haven’t failed either of them, nor are you a failure for feeling like one. You’ve got to challenge yourself when you feel yourself thinking in these ways.” 

Tobin fidgeted with her ring in silence. 

“You haven’t messed things up, Tobin,” the doctor read her mind. “It’s difficult right now, but you haven’t messed anything up. Talk to her. Be as clear about how you feel and what you want as she is.” 

Tobin nodded. “I’ll try.” 

\--

Tobin knocked on Christen’s door unannounced, but where usually anxiety would creep up at the thought, she only felt eager to see her face again. 

Christen opened the door and Tobin’s sour mood dissolved into the green of her eyes. “Hey you,” Christen smiled. “You’re not the UPS guy.”

“Are you complaining?” Tobin asked. 

“Not at all,” Christen shook her head and gently tugged her inside by the belt loops on her jeans. Tobin turned to shut the door behind them and when she turned around, Christen’s lips were on hers. 

“Mmm, I missed you,” Christen murmured against her lips.

“It’s been less than 24 hours,” Tobin replied. 

“And?” Christen was voracious with her kisses, pulling Tobin closer. “Are you complaining?” 

“Not at all,” Tobin didn’t realize they had migrated that far until her legs unexpectedly hit the arm of the couch and she toppled backward, pulling Christen down with her. They giggled and continued to make out on the couch like impatient teenagers. 

“It’s-” Tobin said between kisses, “-stuff like this, that-,” Tobin kissed her again, “-got me in trouble with my agent earlier today.” 

Christen wiped her lip and stared down into Tobin’s eyes from her place resting on the footballer’s chest. “Tyler called me this morning and told me we sort of... went viral online.” 

“Yeah,” Tobin said, sighing deeply. “I’m sorry about the tabloids and stuff. And I’m sorry, I guess, that I kind of wasn’t thinking. When the camera went to you and him, I don’t know, I just...yeah. I’m sorry.” 

Christen cocked her head, like a confused puppy. “Why? I’m not.” 

Of all the scenarios Tobin had imagined, while grossly overthinking this conversation, this wasn’t one. She imagined the worst. She imagined Christen up and leaving her life, and taking Caleb with her. She didn’t imagine...this. “What?” 

“I’m not sorry. For what happened.” Christen shrugged, propping her head on her arms. “I wanted you to kiss me then, and I want you to kiss me now. I’m not sorry.” 

“You’re-you’re not upset? Or resenting me?” Tobin managed a response in spite of her shock. 

“I’m a big girl, Tobin,” Christen smiled reassuringly. “I’d tell you if I was upset. I know what I’m getting into here. I don’t particularly like the spotlight, but I do like you, so…” 

“Oh yeah?” Tobin grinned. “Well, communication isn’t my strong suit, but I’ve been trying to get better. So for the record, I like you too. And I also want to kiss you now.” 

“Mmm,” Christen hummed and leaned forward to press a long kiss to Tobin’s lips. “I love it when you talk healthy communication to me.” 

-=+=-

“Literally wear whatever,” Channing’s tone was bored and mildly exasperated. “I don’t see why this matters, Mo.” 

“This is the first time I’m really meeting her friends! I can’t look a mess, but I also don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard, yknow?” Christen stood in her bra and a rare skirt she’d pulled from her closet, modeling for Channing, who she was video-chatting on her computer. 

“Well...aren’t you?” Channing said. 

Christen stood, arms akimbo, a disapproving look on her face. “Not helping, Chan.” 

“Uhh...what about the yellow sundress? That one looks nice on you,” her younger sister was clearly not interested in fashion, nor did she particularly have any investment in Christen’s love life. Channing was always more dry and quiet than her sisters, the loner, black sheep of sorts. She was the only straight one, after all. 

“I wore that one the first time I met her,” Christen crossed her arms over her chest and sighed. She wasn’t getting closer, and Channing was no help. 

“And you...can’t wear things twice? There are such things as washing machines.” 

Christen rolled her eyes. “No, it’s just that the same group of people will be at this party, too. I don’t want to repeat the outfit just yet.” She returned to her closet, tossing out assorted articles onto the floor. She would clean it later, but the panic was setting in now. 

“You’re overthinking this. Just wear like, nice jeans and a top,” Channing sipped from her mug of tea on the screen. 

“That’s actually... such a good idea,” Christen went to her dresser and started rifling through the drawers. “Aha!” She said, seizing her favorite high-waisted jeans. “Light wash jeans,” she tossed them on the bed, “gucci belt,” she tossed the article onto the growing pile of clothes, “and a tank,” she turned to show the shirt to Channing. “Chan, you’re a genius!” 

“I know,” Channing preened jokingly, tossing her hair over her shoulder. 

“You’re a saint and I love you. Call soon?” Christen leaned close to the computer. 

“Yeah. Don’t burn my studio down while you’re all doe-eyed over your new girl,” Channing joked. 

“Please. I am the queen of work-life balance,” Christen said, confidently. 

Channing rolled her eyes. “Give the puppies and Caleb many kisses from me.” 

“Will do. Much love,” Christen waved and shut her laptop screen. 

She elected to wear her hair down, keeping a natural look (with the help of some hair product and light makeup). Christen went upstairs to make sure Caleb was ready and almost burst out laughing when she saw him. 

The boy was in his Hello Kitty underwear sitting on the floor with his arms crossed and a pout on his face, looking frustrated. His dresser was much in the state hers was now, and clothes were strewn on the floor around him. Even though he wasn’t biologically hers, he was so like her, to a fault sometimes. 

“Baby,” Christen came to his side and sat back on her knees. “What’s wrong?”

“What if Lindsey doesn’t remember me?” Caleb turned to her, his wide brown eyes filled with concern. 

“She will,” Christen brushed his hair behind his ear. “Are you nervous?” 

Caleb nodded and pulled his knees to his chest. 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Christen leaned in close. “Me too.”

“Really?” Caleb was shocked. 

“Really,” Christen confirmed. “But it’s okay. We’ll be together the whole time.” 

“Promise?” He held out his pinky.

Christen locked her pinky with his. “I promise. Always.” 

\--

Tobin opened the door to her two favorite people and smiled. She’d organized a Premier League final watch party and invited a few of her friends (mostly coworkers and Ash and Ali) to kickback, have a beer. She was excited at the prospect of her favorite team even coming close to the championship, and even more excited at the prospect of introducing Christen to her friends. She kept her circle close, especially after she’d become a public figure. 

“Hey, look! A double shot es-press-o. I’ll be up all night!” Tobin greeted them. Caleb and Christen fixed Tobin with matching disapproving looks, causing Tobin to giggle. “Come on in.” 

“Caleb!” Jack found them right away and grabbed Caleb by the hand and tugged him away. Christen was glad for the extroverted boy’s influence- the two best friends were so opposite, but so similar. Jack brought Caleb out of his shell, and Caleb cooled Jack’s mischievous streak. _So much for being together the whole time,_ Christen thought to herself with a smile. 

Tobin guided Christen inside with a hand low on her back, a gesture so domestic that Christen’s chest tightened unwittingly. She led her over to a group of Thorns players, who were huddled in the kitchen nursing beers and talking shop about upcoming games and players. 

“Guys, this is Chris, my neighbor,” Tobin introduced her to the group. 

“Good to see you all again,” Christen awkwardly waved. 

“Christen-the-hot-yoga-instructor! I remember you!” Sonnett’s raspy voice made Christen’s head turn to look the blonde in the eye.

Christen laughed while Tobin blanched. “That’s quite the depiction of me, but I’ll take it.” 

“It’s so nice to officially meet you,” Meghan Klingenberg offered her hand and Christen took it. “What are the chances you’re Toby’s neighbor, huh?”

“Kismet, probably,” Christen smiled. “She’s an okay neighbor, I guess.” 

“Hey,” Tobin feigned offense. 

“It’s lovely to see you, again, Christen,” Lindsey wrapped her in a friendly hug. “Where’s Caleb?” 

“Hiding from you probably,” Christen said. “He’s terrified you won’t remember him.” 

“Please, as if I could forget my #1 fan,” Lindsey said. 

“Still bitter about that,” Tobin pouted. 

“Speaking of,” Christen watched as Caleb and Jack ran to the kitchen and raided Tobin’s pantry for snacks. “Caleb! You’re supposed to ask first,” she chided. 

Tobin chuckled good-naturedly. “Fruit snacks are on the bottom shelf, little dudes.” 

“Hey, Caleb!” Lindsey piped up. Caleb turned around with 5 fruit snacks in his arms, pausing as if he was caught red handed. “It’s good to see you again, bud.” 

Caleb blushed beet red. He opened and closed his mouth as if to say something, anything, and came up with nothing. Christen was about to put him out of his misery when Jack spoke up. 

“Cales, come on! We’re missing the pregame,” Jack said loudly from his place on the couch. Caleb scurried away and all the adults laughed at his expense. 

“Who knew you were a secret fruit snack addict, Toby?” Sinc said. 

“I’m not. I kinda bought them just for them,” Tobin scratched at her neck. “Caleb said he loved them the other day, and I saw them at Costco, so yeah. Hope it’s not too presumptuous.” 

“It’s not. That’s sweet of you,” Christen briefly squeezed her hand. It was everything to her, the fact that Caleb and Tobin got along. The fact that Tobin wanted so badly to make things work. The little things she did that let her know she wasn’t in this alone anymore. 

It was just a party, informal at best, but it meant so much more to her. To her, this was an unofficial announcement. A subtle, _we’re seeing each other._ An affirmation and communication from Tobin, saying, _I’m introducing you to the important people in my life. You’ve become an important person in my life. You both have._

And to Christen, that was enough. And then some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i said: healthy communication rights! please go to therapy <3
> 
> take a deep breath, my loves. everything will work out, both in this story and politically (for future readers, it's currently election night in america). keep the faith. 
> 
> chapter title from and then some by arkells
> 
> come talk me on tumblr @preathss


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